Healing

      I've heard some people say that we should constantly pray for healing of children with disabilities. That it's because of Satan that we have children with disabilities, not because God created them. I have a few biblical issues with this. Mainly because of these verses.

The Lord said, "Who gave man his mouth? 

Who makes him deaf or mute? 

Who gives him sight or makes him blind? 

Is it not I, the LORD?

Exodus 4:11

For you created my inmost being; 

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13 & 14

      What if "healing" looks different than what we hope for or imagine. What if the healing isn't the healing of autism, downs syndrome or cerebral palsy. What if the healing comes in the form of brokenness before God. What if healing is the healing of a broken marriage. What if healing is seen in the form of a community learning to truly love because of one child with a disability.

      I think that healing can come in many forms and our preference for healing isn't always the same as God's. I prayed for healing for Jacob. Was that prayer answered? Yes! But not in the way I wanted it to be answered. My healing came in the form of a strong marriage, a wounded heart that God is continually shaping, and a story to share with others. 

     I believe Job received healing. After he had lost everything, he still sought after God. What an amazing story of faith and healing.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, 

and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; 

may the name of the LORD be praised."

In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

Job 1:21 & 22

Real Love

        I have never been more sure that we as a family are exactly where God wants us. It was so hard to leave our friends and family behind to move to Auburn to start our new life here. Over the past 2 years of living in Auburn nothing has been more clear to me than the fact that God has us here for a reason. I thought we were moving here just for Jacob, and that's really what it started off as. The Auburn school system and the Auburn/Opelika community has so much to offer families with special needs kids. However, I never realized how much we would be blessed as a family to live here as well. 
        We have met some pretty amazing people. People who are actually living out God's command to go unto all the world. These people aren't necessarily going into another country but they are ministering to people that most of us don't think twice about. What I love about these people is they aren't perfect, they aren't trying to make themselves look good and they aren't looking for rewards or pats on the back. These people genuinely care and love people. They are real, real about themselves, real about the Word and real about the problems in this world. They aren't concerned with church rules or legalism. They are concerned with the hearts of the hurting. They are people who are ministering to foster kids who have been abused in ways unimaginable. They are people who are so desperately trying to stop human trafficking. I've never had the opportunity to be around people that so selflessly give their time, efforts and love into something so beautiful. It made me realize that this is what it means to love people. It's easy to love people who are like us and who aren't "damaged."  The best thing about these people though is that they don't try to act righteous or like they have it all in place. They're real people with real struggles who share a common bond...Love!
        I've sat in the pew with many people in my lifetime who think they're awesome because they came to church. Heck, I've been one of those people. Hypocrites! Jesus spent more time with outcasts, lepers, disabled, prostitutes, adulteresses, broken, hurt, "damaged" people than he did with religious people, church people and "good" people. 
       Our pastor preached an amazing sermon yesterday. The best thing he said was this "If you study the Bible you will see that the only time Jesus got mad was when he was dealing with hypocrites in the church. He never was angry or upset with sinners. He spent time with prostitutes, adulteresses, lepers and outcast but the only time he got angry was at hypocrites." Wow, what a perspective!!

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love,

I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries

and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains,

but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,

but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,

it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered

it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

    1 Corinthians 13:1-8a

My prayer over the next couple of weeks/months/years is that God continue to give me a passion for families of special needs children. I so desire to be used by Him!

Sweet Wishes

       I love how Jacob's sweet mind works. He hears the word birthday and he automatically thinks it's his birthday and that he gets presents. I told him this morning, as I was getting him ready for school, that it was mommy's birthday. Excitedly he replied "Yay, I get a Buzz Light year present." He's so innocent and honest about it. The words that he says sound so selfish but he's just excited because it's tradition to get presents on your birthday. This is one thing I cherish so much about him. He's so complex yet so simple. He's happy with just one toy at Christmas when other kids want it all. He is a constant reminder to keep life simple. I swear he coined the phrase "dance like no one is watching." I love to watch him play because he's so free, he doesn't care what he looks like, he doesn't care that he plays differently from all the other kids. He's just happy.
        I pray so often that he will continue to progress and amaze us. I just pray that if he progresses enough to lose his diagnosis that he doesn't lose that sense of simplicity. It's such a great mindset to have.  I worry sometimes that the older he gets the more he will realize how different he is from everyone. If and when this day comes I hope that I have wise words to tell him that he understands. I am his advocate, his biggest fan, and i will do everything I can to help him understand that. The best comfort I have is knowing that God loves him even more than I do. I can rest assured that God will not forsake that sweet boy.

"If God cares so wonderfully for the flowers
that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't
He more surely care for you?"
Luke 12:28

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?
 Yet not one of them will fall to the ground
apart from the will of your Father. And even
the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
 So don't be afraid; you are worth more than
many sparrows."
Matthew 10:29 -31

Grocery Store Conquerors

It's always hard to have both boys at home all day. The mixture of the burdens of autism and typical two's are a disaster waiting to happen. Today was no different except that we had to have some groceries. I reluctantly got everyone dressed and ready to go. The boys seemed excited to be going to the store and I was wishing that I had their enthusiasm. So we loaded up and off we went. I know that this sounds silly to most parents but if you have a special needs child you will understand my next sentence. I texted a really good friend of mine and the text said this "please pray for me, I'm about to go into the grocery store with both boys." 

        We entered the store and were doing very well and with every step I anticipated what I thought was the inevitable. I just knew that Jacob would have a meltdown at some point so I was on guard. Boy was I wrong. Jacob was such a big helper. He walked with me, we talked about what we were looking for and he helped push the buggy. In fact, he was so good that I stopped and took a picture so I could remember this day.

 Just one year ago a trip like this to the grocery store would've been a nightmare. I avoided it with every fiber of my being. However, my boy has grown and he has progressed so much. There was one time in the store that I thought, "is this how it feels to have two typical kids?" (Please don't think that they were not disciplined at some point in the store because they were).
        It felt so good to walk through the store without a care in the world. I was free!! No one in there would've known that Jacob was socially hindered by autism and that made me feel good. For the first time ever, no one stared at us with horrible looks on their faces and they weren't whispering to each other about how I wasn't a good mom. It was nice, to say the least. Nice? I meant extraordinary!!

Change of Pace

I thought about the fact that all my posts are about one little boy that stole my heart 6 1/2 years ago. But today I want to talk about the 2 year old little boy that is such an inspiration. He is such a delight. Jacob was, and still, is a cautious child. Not the case with Caleb. He's so rambunctious and full of life that his new family nickname is "Rambo."  This is nothing but fitting for him. He's the child that if his friends say jump, you better watch out. That thought scares me a bit. He's always bringing something new to the table and his older brother is the apple of his eye. I posted previously about how God gave me Jacob to bring me closer to Him. I think God gave me Caleb to give me laughter and joy. Caleb is the perfect ending to the "love letter" called Jacob that God wrote to me. He's the blessing at the end of a long hard road. He's proven God's never ending love for me. Not because anything that he has done but just the simple fact that God blessed me with him. I've never had the opportunity to be loved by a child like this boy loves me. Sometimes it's taxing but I try to soak up every minute of his overbearing love for his mommy. It's amazing to me how my children can make my heart smile in two totally different ways. The song below could not describe better how I feel about my sweet, crazy two year old who's name means faith, devotion, whole hearted. In the Bible Caleb was a companion of Moses and Joshua, he was noted for his astute powers of observation and fearlessness in the face of overwhelming odds. Caleb doesn't realize it yet but he's helped me be fearless in the face of overwhelming odds. Thank you God for this amazing kid.

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm blows through
and I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the day's of doubt
and for when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you.

Grace

Over the past year God has been slowly opening my eyes to the fact that Jacob has been His way of showing mercy to me. I used to blame God when we first found out that Jacob had special needs. I was angry because I had done everything "right" according to what everyone had taught me. I was an obedient child, I was a good friend, I knew Bible verses and I had lead people to Christ and I saved myself for marriage. According to the "christian" standards, I was a pretty good person. So why did God do this to me?

I struggled a long time with this question. I begged God to show me what I had done wrong, where had I sinned so bad that he would give me this burden. I also begged God to heal Jacob so that I wouldn't have to endure such hardships. That indeed was not His answer.

Over the coarse of the past few years God has shown me that this was his way of showing his love and mercy. Were it not for Jacob, I would never lean on God as much. I would never seek his face as often as I do. Because before Jacob, I had it all under control and there wasn't a daily need for God. Now, I fall on my face so often. I like to think of Jacob as a love letter from God. This is how God has shown me how close he wants me to him. He longs for me to lean on him and trust in him. This is something I never would've learned if things had gone MY way. If things had gone my way I probably would have a mediocre marriage and 2 kids who would attend church like they were supposed to and follow right along in my footsteps thinking that they were good because they learned some scripture and obeyed their parents. 

I used to hide my struggles as if they were sin. When all this time sharing my struggles is how I become free. My struggles are what show me my intense need for God. My struggles are what strengthens me as a wife, mom and friend. The great thing about special needs is that it's God's way of continually keeping my life close to Him. I cannot do this without Him and I thank Him for that.

Victory's

Life in this house is not at all like I thought it would be a year ago. God has blessed us with a continual growth and improvement in Jacob's behavior. Last night we were actually able to go trick or treating with him and not only did he tolerate it but he was begging to go and loved every minute of it. It's these simple moments that I take comfort in. In the past few months he's done new things that once would have sent him into a whirlwind of emotions.
      Last month he was able to ride the little train at the zoo with no meltdowns or anxieties and he was able to enjoy a train ride with his cousins. In the past years, going to a pumpkin patch was fun but most of the time you have to ride on a hay ride to get to the pumpkins. Here's how that would go down, we'd talk about the hay ride and Jacob would say he'd want to ride then when that time came he would act like we were about to chop his head off with an ax. So, we would end up following the hay ride, walking behind and it was very awkward. This past week, I'm happy to say, Jacob was begging me to get on the hay ride to go get his pumpkin and reluctantly I bought the ticket. As we were walking over to get on the trailer the negativity started to over take my thoughts and I knew that this was going to be another throw down. Another embarrassment, another time when I have to ignore the stares and the ugly remarks. To my uttermost surprise, Jacob ran onto the trailer!!! He was the first one on and he said "mom, we're going to get a pumpkin." I felt so blessed in that moment.
       He's also been taking his medicine with minimal fights. I used to have to hold him down and put him in a headlock and force the medicine in his mouth and scream "swallow." He's taking his meds like a pro now!! He's come such a long way in the past year!! I can't wait to see what the next year holds for us.