tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45771063266068249282024-03-13T10:01:51.498-07:00Confessions of a Special Needs MomThe joys and struggles of raising a son with autism.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.comBlogger80125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-66410546000619625502018-08-19T18:43:00.002-07:002018-08-19T18:43:10.718-07:00Long Time, No See It's been 2 1/2 years since my last post. I can't really put my finger on the reason that I haven't blogged. Maybe it's because...well...life. Maybe it's because it's not as cathartic as it once was. Maybe it's because I'm working more than ever and every second of my time is spent packing school lunches, doing laundry and writing contracts. Maybe it's a mixture of all three. I love my jobs. Mom, Wife, Realtor. They are all hard, but they are all worth it.<br />
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We are 6 days away from Jacob turning 12. TWELVE. XII. WHAT? That is an insane reality. Honestly I believe that the reason I haven't written in such a long time is because we have come so far with Jacob and the woes of autism have slowly faded. The need to share our story to relieve stress is simply not there anymore. Is he cured? No! Does he still have autism? Absolutely! Are we still dealing with weird autism quirks? Yes. I could go into detail about this, but honestly, I will just say that we are hitting the pre-teen and puberty stage of autism and leave it at that. Your welcome.</div>
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Jacob has become quite the comedian. He loves to make jokes and make people laugh. Every now and then he will say "Okay, who's ready for a knock knock joke?" Then, he proceeds to tell us a knock knock joke that doesn't make any sense and then dies laughing. We laugh along with him because his laugh is contagious. He is growing up to be quite a pleasure to be around. He is still dependent on me and Erick for a lot of daily tasks, but he's getting there. He's doing so well that in many ways, raising our typically developing 7 year old, is harder than dealing with Jacob. Erick and I used to worry that Jacob would still be living with us when he is an adult. The reality that I would have to take care of him for the rest of my life used to be daunting and unbearable to think about. Now, we kinda hope he sticks around. However, I would love to watch him branch out into the world and make it on his own.<br />
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Recently, Jacob discovered the camera on his phone. He loves taking pictures of things. Random things that no one else would take pictures of. Nonetheless, he's kinda found a hobby. Which is something he's never had before. I watch him as he perfects the exact angle he desires for his picture. Caleb is not as enthused with his picture taking skills though. I don't blame him. It's pretty annoying when you are watching TV and he rewinds the show 10 times to get the perfect angle of a door in the back ground that no one else even saw or cared about. I like the pictures and I like that Jacob seems to be interested in something. It's also better than the alternative video option. He will video him saying something really annoying and then play it over and over until I threaten to take his phone.<br />
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So who am I kidding? This was totally more cathartic than I thought it was going to be. Sitting down and writing about how far Jacob has come, how far we've ALL come, has been really encouraging. Maybe I should do this more often. Maybe I will.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-21899676313133984712016-01-29T10:01:00.000-08:002016-01-29T10:52:14.904-08:00My Two Weeks Notice and That Laundry Over There That's it, I'm turning in my two weeks notice on my life. I am quitting autism, I'm quitting being a mom, I'm quitting being a wife, I'm quitting being a maid, cook, chauffeur, referee and therapist. I'm wiping my last tear, cleaning my last skinned knee, giving my last dose of ADHD medicine and sleep aids and vitamins and essential oils. I'm calling it quits. I will no longer be available at 3 a.m. when they have a bad dream. I will no longer be succumbed to the demands of autism.<br />
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And then there's that laundry over there that snaps me out of that irrational craziness and reminds me of the bodies that fill those clothes. The nine and five year old that depend on me for everything and a husband who, I am convinced, couldn't survive without me. I mean, I am the finder of the keys and the glasses. If you can't drive or see then what kind of life is that? Erick, from the bottom of my heart, you are welcome. <br />
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It's easy to feel overwhelmed and overworked. Being an adult isn't as fun as you imagined as a kid. I often wake up and think to myself "do I really have to adult today?" The answer is always yes, yes I do. Yes, I have to wake up and feed my kids. Yes, I do have to make tough choices for them. Yes, I have to teach them how to be kind. Yes I have to give my kid his meds or his teacher will be calling and asking if things are okay at home. Yes, I have to hold my tongue or else I will smart off and say to his teacher "My kid has autism, what do you think? That is in fact not a good idea, and no I'm not speaking from experience. Let's just stop here and learn a little something...If you see a kid with autism acting wild and unruly (Or any kid for that matter), don't ask the mom if there are problems at home. First off, yes there are problems, my kid has autism and the stress level is pretty much always maxed out. Second, sometimes I forget to give him his medicine which doesn't mean that my husband and I are fighting or that we are beating the kids. Third...it's none of your business!<br />
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I have to continue to believe that there is a purpose to all the crazy sadness life can bring. If I don't, then that first paragraph could become more than just a crazy ideal. Furthermore, if that first paragraph were real, I would miss out on a lot of great things. However, sometimes it's hard to think that the world is not conspiring against you. For instance, my husband worked until 9:30 last night. I normally go to bed at 10:00 because the yellow heaven on wheels comes early (it's a yellow hell on wheels at 3:00, but we won't talk about that). Last night Erick and I got into a great conversation about our day and I stayed up way too late, but hey, you have to make time to fit in the important people in your life, right? At 4:45 a.m. I hear, not one set of footsteps, but two. Both boys were wide awake and headed downstairs to play. In my, all too often, mean mama fashion I scolded them both and sent them back to bed, knowing good and well that Jacob was up for the morning. Let's face it, getting Jacob to go back to sleep in the middle of the night is harder than going back and un-sinking the Titanic. However, I sent him back to bed. Ten minutes later he comes in fake puking, which was quite hysterical coming from a kid with social and cognitive delays. He's pretty smart though. I gave in and went downstairs with him. He played on <a href="http://www.pbskids.org/">www.pbskids.org</a> (which is pretty awesome for kids) while I guzzled a cup of coffee, or creamer really. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm on a caffeine high or a sugar high, but that's beside the point. I later find out that the reason they were both up was because Caleb had a nightmare about an alien abducting his Grandobby so that he could play with him and so he decided to wake up the only one that won't go back to sleep. Yay!<br />
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Truth is, I will continue being a wife and a mom to two crazy kids. I will continue to cook, clean, chauffeur, referee and be a therapist. I will continue to wipe tears and be a boo boo fixer and give out the daily doses of medicine. I will continue to wake up when there is a bad dream or fake puking and I will continue on with the task of raising autism. I will continue to search for keys and glasses. I will not be turning in my two weeks notice, as tempting as it may seem at times. My family is wild and crazy, but they are my wild and crazy. To be honest, I need them as much as they need me.<br />
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Life throws you curves. It doesn't matter if you're raising a kid with autism, a loved one is struggling with cancer or you feel like you need to be in the nut house. (Or like me, all the above) Life is hard Enjoy the good moments and persevere through the bad times. Be kind and compassionate to those in your life, after all they are the reasons that you do what you do.<br />
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<i>"Love bears all things, </i></div>
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<i>believes all things,</i></div>
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<i>hopes all things,</i></div>
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<i>endures all things,"</i></div>
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<i>1 Corinthians 13:7</i></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-15238263238865334612015-11-16T09:59:00.003-08:002015-11-16T10:01:11.167-08:00A Clean Heart<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>A good man brings good things </i></div>
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<i>out of the good stored up in his heart, </i></div>
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<i>and an evil man brings evil things </i></div>
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<i>out of the evil stored up in his heart. </i></div>
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<i>For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.</i></div>
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<i>Luke 6:45</i></div>
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A verse that haunts my thoughts lately.</div>
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As I teach my children to be kind, I am often reminded that I am not kind. As I teach my children to be patient, I find that I too am impatient. As I teach my children to be selfless, I realize that I am the most selfish. As I teach my children to love, I think about all the times that I've been unloving.</div>
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I met a woman the other day. She is the mom of a little boy that is in Caleb's class at preschool. She was kind, soft spoken and seemed to have a grasp on loving well. I envied her. I desired to see that in myself. That kind of change is hard. </div>
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I use the excuse that, I am the way I am, God made me this way, it's human nature or it's my personality. That is just flat out spiritual laziness in my opinion. I am spiritually lazy, you can add that to my long list of personality flaws. </div>
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The verse in Romans could be my life verse...</div>
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<i>I do not understand what I do, for what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do! Romans 7:15</i></div>
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Too many times I'm reminded in scripture to be transformed, renewed, repentant. More times than that I fail to do these things. I'm just going to be very honest here. I don't love the poor, even at Christmas when it's cool to love the poor, I don't. I get annoyed if I have to go out of my way to help someone, and if I do go out of the way I have to make sure they know it. I'm impatient when things don't go my way or my plans get changed. I want things now, not later. When I'm doing something and don't want to be bothered, I use unkind words with my children. When my kids don't do things my way, I get angry. When my husband does something or thinks differently than I do, I pout. When someone is in need, I am the last person that wants to help. I am quick to get angry, yet sometimes slow to forgive. </div>
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Let me tell you what I am great at doing...I am great at pointing out where everyone else fails. </div>
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I don't want to use excuses anymore. There are too many scriptures to lend towards the change in our hearts. I want to ignore these verses and give a blind eye to the fact that I need to change and that I can change. Because, like I said, I am spiritually lazy. I don't want to be bothered. Am I missing out on the abundant life the Christ has promised me because I'm too stubborn to think I can change?</div>
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<i>Create in me a clean heart and renew and right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10</i></div>
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<i>Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vein conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3</i></div>
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<i>A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1</i></div>
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<i>Fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing out their opinions. Proverbs 18:2</i></div>
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<i>Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is. His good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2</i></div>
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I know that this is so much harder said than done. It's not something that's going to happen overnight and it certainly won't be a road without fault. But if I'm wanting to see a change around me then I must be willing to change myself. If I want to teach my kids to be humble, loving, kind, patient...I must, painstakingly, change the way I live. It's important, it's hard, it's beautiful and it's daunting. I must be the change that I want to see in my kids. </div>
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<i>My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves, do what it says. James 1:22</i></div>
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I leave you with a song that I love running to in the mornings (when I actually run). It's been an inspiration in the long journey of realizing that I need a change of heart. My favorite Lyric...</div>
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<i>"Create in me a miracle, something real and something beautiful"</i></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-54504246542473097632015-11-04T13:38:00.002-08:002015-11-04T13:38:45.328-08:00Proof Is In The ProofI posted Jacob's school picture on Facebook yesterday. It was an awesome picture and I was super happy. However, opening Jacob's school picture has always been a delight of mine. You really never know what they are going to look like with this kid, and more often than not, You get a big laugh out of them. So, to be able to really appreciate the new school pic, I thought you all deserved to see a snapshot of what the others have looked like in the past.<br />
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I wasn't able to find them all but, you get the "picture!" (pun intended)<br />
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He's so photogenic!!<br />
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Love this sweet faced boy and his new school pictures!!<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-39211035829342292752015-08-26T13:25:00.000-07:002015-08-27T08:30:31.591-07:00A Call For Redemption This morning, as my husband and I laid in bed chatting, the subject of Ashley Madison came up. I told him that the whole situation made me sad. I tried to explain why, but my thoughts had not totally been put together about the situation. My mind has reeled with confusion and frustration about the entire situation. To be honest it's not just about the Ashley Madison situation, but a whole conglomerate of situations that have surfaced over the past 8 months.<br />
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I firmly believe that Christ doesn't put our sin on a scale and weigh sins to figure out which one is greater than another. We are separated from Christ because of our sin, no matter whether it's lying, cheating on our spouse or being gay. We are separated from Christ because of our sin nature, not because of the severity of one particular sin over another.<br />
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<i>"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."</i></div>
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<i>Romans 3:23</i></div>
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I believe there are two different types of people in this world. Those who have accepted the gift that Christ freely gave his life for and those who have not. Those who believe in Christ and those who reject Him. The only difference between these two people is that one is freed from the penalty of sin because of Christ. </div>
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<i>"Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous.</i></div>
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<i>He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us</i></div>
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<i>from the penalty of our sin."</i></div>
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<i>Romans 3:24</i></div>
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<i> </i>Christians are not freed from the temptation of sin on this earth. As much as I wish we were!! Being a Christian doesn't make you immune to sin and the lies that the evil one tells you. Even though I believe that Christ doesn't scale our sins from least to greatest, I do believe that the consequences are different for each sin. But why do we feel that a white lie is lesser of a sin than cheating on your spouse? Why is it different when we know that all sin is sin? My only conclusion is this...for humans, the level of sin is influenced by the way that it affects our lives. Sexual sin is deep, dark and blushable. Sex is intimate and sacred and when used outside of the context God intended, it hurts more than just the offender. We can't just look past it as easily as a white lie because of the affect that it has on everyone else. Sexual sin shatters lives. It shatters relationships, whether it be a spouse or your children. There have been marriages ruined. There have been people that have committed suicide because of this. There are parents and pastors and politicians who's dirty laundry has been aired out for all to see. You can't tell me that the guilt, consequences, and shame of this type of sin is not different than gluttony or gossip. Although the hackers were doing something illegal and probably shouldn't have shared the info to the world, it's not the leak of information that makes me sad. It's the thousands and thousands of relationships that are ruined because of sin. Sin that would be there regardless of the leak or not.<br />
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It makes me more sad that there are Christians mixed up in the scandal. Not because I believe that Christians don't sin, but that the world sees these Christians fall. Do they ever get to see them repent, then redeemed and forgiven? I can't help but imagine that these Christians got mixed up in something they never intended to let get that far. Yet, the sin started small, maybe just watching a show on TV that seems harmless. But our desires lead to thoughts, and thoughts lead to actions and what is in our heart, if we aren't seeking God's will, will reveal itself in the light. If we aren't repentive of our sin when it begins then it will fester and grow and will become a landslide of guilt and shame and will eventually ruin the lives of those we love.<br />
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<i>When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me."</i></div>
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<i>For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone;</i></div>
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<i>but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by </i></div>
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<i>their own evil desires and enticed. </i></div>
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<i>Then, after desire is conceived, it gives birth to sin;</i></div>
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<i>and sin, when it's full grown, gives birth to death</i></div>
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<i>Don't be deceived dear brothers and sisters.</i></div>
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<i>James 1:13-16</i></div>
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<i>Meanwhile, when a crowd of many thousands had gathered, </i></div>
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<i>so that they were trampling on one another,</i></div>
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<i>Jesus began to speak, first to his disciples, saying: </i></div>
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<i>"Be on your guard against the yeast of the pharisees,</i></div>
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<i>which is hypocrisy. There is nothing that is concealed </i></div>
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<i>that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.</i></div>
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<i>What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, </i></div>
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<i>and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms </i></div>
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<i>will be proclaimed from the roofs."</i></div>
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<i>Luke 12:1-3</i></div>
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<i> </i>My prayer is this...that this be an opportunity for true believing Christians to be open and honest about sin and their journey to forgiveness. That people can finally see that Christ is the only difference between the lost and the saved. Christians aren't perfect and most of us don't claim to be, yet we are broken people who all pursue to worship a God that has died to set us free from the bondage of sin. I pray that marriages are renewed and that forgiveness takes place above all else. I pray that it encourages people to throw away the sins that pull them in.</div>
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<i>Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,</i></div>
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<i>let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles us. </i></div>
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<i>And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. </i></div>
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<i>Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. </i></div>
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<i>For the joy set before Him He endured the cross, scorning its shame, </i></div>
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<i>and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God</i></div>
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<i>Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will </i></div>
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<i>not grow weary and lose heart. </i></div>
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<i>In your struggle against sin,</i></div>
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<i> you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. </i></div>
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<i>And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement </i></div>
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<i>that addresses you, as a father addresses his son?</i></div>
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<i>It says, "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, </i></div>
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<i>and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,</i></div>
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<i>Because the Lord disciplines the ones he loves</i></div>
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<i>and chastens everyone he accepts as his son."</i></div>
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<i>Hebrews 12:1-6</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i> </i>On to my second point...to those who are picking up their verbal stones to throw at the ones caught in sins trap. Let's choose to throw away our sin of self righteousness and pride. Let's, with loving and kind words, lead them to repentance and accept them when they confess and are redeemed. Let's choose to show the world that this doesn't define us as Christians...</div>
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<img src="http://media.salon.com/2012/12/westboro.jpg" /></div>
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<img src="http://www.zerofiltered.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/CHRISTIAN-TERRORISTS.jpg" /></div>
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<img src="http://cdn3.freedomoutpost.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Republican-Party.jpg" /></div>
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<img src="http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/files/2015/02/Pretty-Church.jpg" /></div>
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<i> </i><br />
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Let's be reminded that this is the only reason we can be defined as Christians.<br />
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<img alt="Image result for Christ on the cross" height="425" 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" 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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-25358473637563701782015-08-13T05:57:00.000-07:002015-08-13T06:09:51.410-07:00Hate the Autism, Love the BoyIn case any of you were wondering...I HATE autism!!<br />
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I've had many people ask me if Jacob has a special gift. They've seen Rain Man and imagine in their minds that Jacob has some miraculous power where he can count ridiculously or have a unwavering memory. Or, maybe he is obsessed with science or words. It's nice to think about Jacob having a super human ability. I think it would make the autism seem less invasive and more interesting. That is not how Jacob is. Unless he's hiding his superman powers away in his little body, I have seen nothing similar to rain man, except for the constantly repeating himself.<br />
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I hate that I sit up at night just waiting on him to fall asleep and then I wake up to him barreling in our room bouncing from one foot to the other yelling "Can you go downstairs with me, can you go downstairs with me, can you go downstairs with me?" I hate waking up this way. I hate waking up at 5:30 to get him ready for school only to find that he's hidden his shoes...AGAIN!!!! You would think that an 8 year old little boy wouldn't be able to hide two, size 4, bright neon green shoes. I hate that my first thought is to check the bushes. I mean, who else thinks to check the bushes for their kids shoes!! I hate that I spend 30 minutes asking him where his shoes are, only to hear him say "I know" but in reality he doesn't really know and he can't tell me anyway.<br />
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I hate how we fight about medicine every morning and every night. I hate that he even has to take medicine. I hate that I can only think of two things to pack for him for lunch because he's just so doggone picky. I hate myself for being excited when the school bus gets here. I hate that when he gets home he can't tell me about his day. I hate that I can't go anywhere and just walk straight in like normal people do. I hate that I have to chase Jacob out of the bushes. I hate that I have to threaten to hold his hand if he doesn't walk with me. I hate that he doesn't listen. I hate that the typical discipline techniques don't work with him. I hate that other people think I should just be more firm with typical discipline techniques.<br />
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I hate that all he wants to talk about is doll houses. I also hate that he obsesses about things, because if he obsesses, we must all obsess with him. Right now, it's doll houses. I hate that you have a weird look on your face while you are reading this because my almost 9 year old boy loves doll houses. I hate that we can't go into Hobby Lobby without spending a great amount of time begging for doll houses and doll house furniture.I hate that I have to buy him something small so that I can get out of Hobby Lobby with at least a little dignity left. I hate that when he is at home all he wants to do is sit at the computer on google and look at doll houses, and make me look at doll houses. I hate that he makes me talk about doll houses. I hate that I've typed the words doll houses this much.<br />
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I hate when he asks a question and he doesn't give me enough time to answer, much less think about my answer before he's asking the same question again, louder than the time before. I hate that I'm constantly telling him to match my voice. I hate that I'm constantly telling him to speak nicely. I hate that he laughs when he disobeys and then asks if I think it's funny. I hate that he still poops in his pants sometimes. I hate that it happens when we have guests over. I hate feeling that they are disgusted with him. I hate that, often times, I find him running around in the front yard with nothing but a smile on. I hate that he doesn't understand that it's not appropriate.<br />
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I hate that we fight over food at every. single. meal! I hate that I still hand feed him sometimes. I hate having to bathe my almost 9 year old son. I hate that he screams when you wash his hair. I hate that he bites the toothbrush when I brush his teeth and that he contorts his mouth, on purpose, so that I can't brush his teeth properly. I hate that I used to have to sit on him to brush his teeth. I hate that getting pajamas on is a struggle every night. I hate how when I'm singing to him at night he interrupts me to ask if he can sing, then he doesn't sing. Then he interrupts me again to ask if he can sing, and then he doesn't sing. Then he interrupts me again to ask if he can sing, and then he doesn't sing. Then he cries when the song is over because he didn't get to sing.<br />
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I hate that I sit awake at night just waiting for him to fall asleep. I hate that while I'm sitting awake at night that I think about how I hate that every day is a struggle. I hate that I miss out on a special relationship with him because of his autism. I hate that I hate his autism. I hate the person that it makes me. I hate that I feel guilty constantly. I hate that autism is messy, dirty and hard. I hate that we can't be a normal family in normal situations for any amount of time. I hate that we don't fit in anywhere, except for special needs events. I hate his autism, but I love him dearly. I hate that I love him so much it hurts all time. I would give everything to find a cure for him. I would give everything to have a normal relationship with him. I would give everything to see him unhindered by this ugly, messy, dirty thing called autism.<br />
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I also hate that this reads like the ending of the movie "Ten Things I Hate About You," but that's beside the point.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-51240464711397214292015-06-11T10:43:00.001-07:002015-06-11T10:56:58.295-07:00Life Is Like a Box of ChocolatesI didn't use to drink coffee.<br />
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I use to sleep good every night.<br />
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But then again, I didn't use to be a mom to autism.<br />
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Last night we had some wonderful friends over that we haven't seen in a few years. Now, I normally am a strict mama about bedtimes, but we were having a fun time visiting so the boys got to stay up and play. The boys finally settled down around 10:45 (2 hours and 45 minutes past their normal bedtime). Erick and I fell asleep like 2 seconds after them.<br />
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Around 1:30 I was awoken by Erick and Jacob standing in our room and Erick whispering to me that Jacob had thrown up in his bed. This isn't a new thing. There have been many, many times that he has done this with no explanation, leaving Erick and I scratching our heads as to why it happened. We cleaned Jacob and his bed up, all the while he was being such a sweet little boy. We all settled down a good 30 minutes later...or so we thought. About 5 minutes after laying down in bed, we heard his heavy little footsteps stomping down the stairs. Let me just say, that when Jacob gets woken up in the middle of the night, he has a hard time going back to sleep. Erick coaxed him back in bed and this time it was a success. But just a few short minutes later, we heard the other little sleep depriver crack open his door and say "I want someone to sleep with me!" At this moment I was about to scream "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!" I politely told him "no" and told him I would turn his lamp on for him. He took me up on that offer and back we all went to our rooms. I didn't sleep worth a lick after all the commotion,<br />
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My alarm never wakes me up in the morning. Not because I'm a heavy sleeper, but because my 52 lb. led foot that lives in my house wakes me up by stomping down the stairs, way earlier than I anticipated with the setting of my alarm clock. However, this morning, my alarm clock woke me up. Then the snooze woke me up, and then the snooze woke me up again. Everyone was still sound asleep. The summer school bus was to be arriving in ten minutes, but Jacob was still knocked out asleep in his bed. I know this because he wasn't rocking, which normally means that the beast is beginning to stir. I made the calculated decision to let him sleep and tell the bus drivers he would not be riding with them today.<br />
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I jumped back in bed to catch a few more minutes of rest. Erick was scurrying around getting ready for work as a thought came to my mind..."I have no caramel macchiato creamer left!!" You know those moments when you know you have one chance to get something right. This was that moment for me. I jumped up, got dressed and headed for the door in search for my sanity, aka coffee creamer...cause let me just tell you, it's all about the creamer. Caleb has already gotten up at this point and we are being extremely quite, tip toeing around so that Jacob can get some rest, because if he wakes up, he's NOT going back to sleep. I'm headed to the front door, holding tightly to my keys as not to make any noise. I open the front door quietly and with no warning, like it has never done before..in the ENTIRE 4 years that we've lived in this house, the smoke alarm goes off...RIGHT OUTSIDE of Jacob's bedroom door. I ran as fast as my 30 year old legs could run up the stairs and start jumping up in down in hopes that in one of those jumps my finger would hit the silent button. I continue doing this as if Jacob miraculously didn't ear it. I finally manage to turn it off...or so I thought...and in the quietness of the moment I could hear Jacob softly through his bedroom door mocking the sound of the smoke alarm, "beep, beep, beep...beep, beep, beep. It was done, it was over.<br />
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I walked out to my car, still desperately trying to make it to the store to get my Heaven in a bottle. I opened my car door and to my surprise, Caleb's booster seat is sitting in the driver seat. It immediately made me think of Jessie, my sweet short friend from high school. I teased her about needing a booster seat to drive her car when she turned 16. Then, I remembered last night, while we were eating dinner with our friends, my car horn going off. It was obviously not my car alarm going off but it was the sweet chubby hands of my four year old we like to call Rambo. It was the memory of my car alarm that made me realize why that booster seat was sitting there.<br />
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As I was running through the grocery store, hurrying to get back so that Erick could leave for work, I realized that life is just plain crazy sometimes. It's crazy with kids, it's crazier with boys and even crazier with autism. I remember a time when each of my days felt like I was just racing around trying to keep my head above water and looking for something to just make it better. Whether it be caramel macchiato creamer, retail therapy or facebook. These crazy days are becoming fewer and farther between and I'm thankful for that.<br />
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I returned home to both of my boys playing and giggling together in the living room. We then were able to sit down together to eat some bacon and eggs, a rarity at our house to eat breakfast together. Even though we were talking about poots, butts and burps, I was thankful for that moment. Without the chaos of the morning, that moment wouldn't have been as sweet.<br />
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So Things have changed...<br />
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I love to drink coffee.<br />
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I can sleep when I'm dead.<br />
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I am a mom to Autism and Rambo.<br />
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Life can be crazy but at least it's not boring!!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-22482157971476596662015-05-30T06:35:00.001-07:002015-05-30T06:41:02.508-07:00Autism Is A BeachIt was a few days before we left for the beach when I told Jacob where we were going and what we were doing. This trip would be a little different. Instead of traveling the entire four hours to Orange Beach, I decided it would be fun to spend the night with one of my high school best friends. She's about to be receiving her greatest blessing, one that she's longed for years for. A baby. A daughter. I wanted to hear all about the story of their adoption journey. I also wanted to plumage through her cute pink, flowery clothes. I know nothing about cute, pink, flowery clothes. I can tell you all about madras plaid shorts, polo shirts, dirt, race cars, jeeps...oh and let's not forget the doors!! Oh gosh, the doors!!! I also know more about Hot Wheels cars than I ever desired to know. Jacob couldn't grasp why we were staying somewhere along the way. He pestered me, relentlessly, for 2 days. He badgered me about why, where, when, who? It got to the point that I wanted to just stay at home. I didn't want to be in the car for an hour and a half listening to him say "mommy" for the thousandth time. <br />
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We made it through the first night on our trip and packed everything up to head to the beach. Now he had moved on to asking "Mommy, now we're going to the cabin?" every few minutes. Even Caleb started sighing and saying "She already answered you!!" I really wish I could find a way to calm his anxiety about our plans. I've just started explaining to him that it makes me angry to answer the same questions over and over. </div>
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We arrived at the beach. Went onto the sand and immediately his anxiety about our plans was gone. He'd arrived. Arrived at, what I believe is, his favorite place on earth. He seems free at the beach. I love watching him run around on the beach. He doesn't have to talk to anyone and he can run around unhindered by rules and plans. </div>
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Jacob seemed very normal at the beach this time. He seemed to enjoy time with the family and his time alone playing outside. He encouraged play with the neighborhood kids and enjoyed being with them. He even rode around the block with my dad and Caleb on his scooter and the whole time he was calling my dad "Captain." This time was easier. It's almost as if I had forgotten that his autism hinders him so badly. It's almost normal. Well except for when he grabs a box of Pop Tarts off the counter and darts away from my sister in law, runs halfway down the street laughing and screaming "these don't have gluten in them, I'm going to eat them!!" </div>
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I remember growing up looking forward to the beach and hoping that the red flag wasn't out. Praying that it didn't rain and that the waves were perfect. I also remember the times that the rain would come out of no where and we'd grab all our belongings and scramble to shelter.</div>
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Autism reminds me of the beach. Beautiful. Constant, yet unpredictable. It's like being so excited to finally get there only to find double red flags. It's getting your umbrella, chairs and beach blanket set up perfectly and then in rolls the rain and you have to pack up and run for shelter. It's relaxing by the shore and getting clobbered by an unexpected wave. It's the beautiful calmness of the view and then feeling the gritty sand in unwanted places. It's the beautiful water crashing onto the shore only to be bringing in jellyfish and seaweed. It's the lulling sound of the ocean and then you hear the faint sounds of your child..."mom, mommy, momma, mom, mom, mom, mommy, momma, mom, mom, mom, mommy, mom, momma, mom, mom, momma, mommy, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mommy, mom!" It's standing next to something so beautiful but something that's bigger than we can ever imagine with scary unknown things lurking in the water.<br />
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Regardless of all the things that could go wrong, we come back year after year to this special place to take in the beauty, to feel the sand between our toes, to stand next to something that's bigger than us and to hear the waves crashing on the shore.<br />
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Autism is a beach...beautiful, constant, unpredictable, special.<br />
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My Napoleon Dynamite with Kevin Bacon hair.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-69814155973323444012015-05-18T19:20:00.001-07:002015-05-18T19:32:48.456-07:00The Other WomanShe appeared in my life about 4 years ago. I knew who she was, but she obviously knew him better than I knew her. She was cute and petite with gorgeous blonde hair and blue eyes. I never imagined that she would have such an influence over him.<br />
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She has now spent the last 4 years loving him. Stealing his kisses and his hugs and spending more time every day with him than I did or could. I want to cry almost every time I see her and I continue to send him off to her every morning. She obviously loves him, almost as much as I do.<br />
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Her love for him came as a shock to me. I never thought another woman could love him like that.<br />
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Her name is Caroline Poole.</div>
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She's the best teacher Jacob could ever have.</div>
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When we moved to Auburn 4 years ago I knew that we were making the right decision. Not only for Jacob but also for the rest of our family. We've flourished here. Jacob has flourished here. He's flourished more than I ever dreamed and we owe it all to "Poole." </div>
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We didn't choose autism. We didn't ask to have a child with autism. Most of the time we don't know what to do with our child with autism. Caroline chose to be with autism. She chose downs syndrome, she chose cerebral palsy. She chose to spend her days with difficult children and I am in awe of that decision. Even more, I am eternally grateful for that decision. </div>
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Caroline may be petite but her feisty personality fits well with Jacob's sporadic temperament. He loves her, he trusts her and respects her. She can get him to do his school work and behave unlike anything I've ever seen. I have to admit, I'm slightly envious of that!!</div>
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As I took the end of the year teacher gifts to school today I debated on whether or not to even wear eye make-up. I always get teary eyed when I see how much she loves my boy, but I knew today would be even harder. He's been with her for so long that the thought of him moving to a new school terrifies me. It breaks my heart to know that this time in Jacobs life is over. I know he will have good teachers and that he will be taken care of. Nothing can compare to the love that they share. The saying "You love the people that love your kids" is such an understatement when you're talking about your kid with special needs. That love magnifies more than I can ever explain.</div>
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This week marks the end of an era and a turning of a page in Jacobs autism story. I'm thankful that "Poole" doesn't fill up just a page but yet a whole chapter. She's shared the good times and the bad. The joy and the sorrow. She's part of our family whether she likes it or not. </div>
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So in three days, with tears in my eyes, the phrase "School is cool with Poole" will leave my mouth for the last time as I send Jacob off to the other woman that loves him almost as much as I do.</div>
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~We Love You Poole~</div>
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But I mean, who couldn't love someone who's name is Caroline Sprinkle Poole!</div>
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Thank you so much for the hours that you put in to teaching Jacob about school, life and love. You have been a rock, you have been a safe haven and a true friend to him. I could never thank you enough for all that you've done to make him feel loved and special!</div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-35644604263793523752015-04-07T10:06:00.001-07:002015-04-07T10:11:17.768-07:00My Faith, Mirrored by Autism All throughout my life I've heard sermons and speeches about our relationship with Christ being like a marriage. They relate to Christ as the husband and his children being the bride. It is a beautiful love story that is meaningful to us because we understand the devotion a marriage has and has to have. It's a very biblical portrayal that we can relate to and make tangible. However, I've found myself lately relating my relationship with Christ more to a parent/child relationship than a marriage. Even more so, relating my relationship with Jacob to the one that I have in Christ.<br />
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I think one thing that I desire most about my relationship with Jacob is to be able to communicate with him. It's the one thing I believe all parents that have kids on the spectrum would agree on. Jacob is verbal, and I'm very thankful for that. Many kids on the spectrum are non-verbal and I can't imagine what that is like. Even though Jacob is verbal, our communication is still very broken. It hurts me not to know what he's thinking and feeling when he's hurt, scared, sad or confused. I long so badly for him to speak to me, understand me and for me to understand him. It makes me ponder my relationship with Christ. Even though I am a believer, my communication with him is so often broken. I think about how He longs to hear from me. How He loves me so much that it hurts him when that communication is broken. I think about how he wants us to share our emotion with him when we are hurting and broken. He wants to carry our burdens just like I want to carry Jacobs but when there is a breakdown in communication, it's impossible. It hurts.<br />
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<i>"Cast all your anxiety upon him</i></div>
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<i>because He cares for you."</i></div>
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<i>1 Peter 5:7</i></div>
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Lately, Jacob has been stuck on asking me if I love him. My life reads like that annoying Family Guy episode..."mom, mommy, mom, mama, mommy, mom, mama, mom, mommy, mom...WHAT?... do you love me?" This is a conversation I have, oh, about, 800 times a day! It gets very old, very fast. I tell him "only a little bit," and he says "you love me a lot!!" I try not to lose my patience with him. I'm not really sure if he just likes the repetitiveness and it's comforting to him or if he feels insecure. The conversation always comes when I'm trying to do something else or I'm just extremely tired of answering the same question over and over and over. I think about how often I've begged God to show me, somehow, that he still loves me, even though he proves it to me daily. Jacob doesn't understand all the things that I do for him out of love, he just needs to hear me say that I love him. Just like we don't understand all the things that Christ does for us out of love, we just need to hear that He loves us over and over again.<br />
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<i>"For I am sure that neither death nor life,</i></div>
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<i>nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, </i></div>
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<i>nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, </i></div>
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<i>nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, </i></div>
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<i>will be able to separate us from the love of God </i></div>
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<i>in Christ Jesus our Lord." </i></div>
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<i>Romans 8:38 & 39</i></div>
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The other conversation he gets stuck on, is asking me if I can see him. I like to tell him that I can't and that he is invisible. It makes him smile, but he still continues to ask. I can remember many times throughout the months leading up to and the months after Jacob being diagnosed and for a few years after, asking God if he could hear me. I felt so alone for a long time. As if God had given me this beautiful child with autism and then walked away from me. I was angry, alone and hurt. I wouldn't be able to tell you how many times I asked God, do you see me and can you hear me? Why have you forsaken me?<br />
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<i>"Be strong and courageous, do not be</i></div>
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<i>afraid or terrified because of them</i></div>
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<i>for the Lord your God goes with you</i></div>
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<i>he will never leave you, or forsake you."</i></div>
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<i>Deuteronomy 31:6</i></div>
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<i> </i>When I think about these things I am reminded of how much I love Jacob. But even more, I am reminded that God loves me more than I can ever imagine loving Jacob. He does love me, He does hear, He does see me and He wants a relationship with me. This is what I hold on to. This is what I long for! </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-33737456723897942372015-03-31T09:28:00.001-07:002015-03-31T09:34:57.784-07:00My Own Awareness For some, autism awareness comes around once a year. They read about it, hear about it and may get involved in it. The month of April passes and they go about their year not really thinking about it much anymore. Which is completely normal by the way.<br />
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My autism awareness comes when I open my eyes in the morning and when I close them at night. It comes in the grocery store when the ceiling tiles aren't where they should be. It comes at every bathroom that has hand dryers. It comes at dinner time. It comes off the bus in the afternoons. It comes in the obsessive conversations about doors and shutters. It comes when he's near me and when he's away from me. It comes in the form of love and it comes in the form of frustration. It comes with a sweet, loving, conflicted, frustrating little boy named Jacob...<br />
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To the little boy who can steal my heart and break it all at the same time,<br />
To the little boy who's laughter can be obnoxious, yet the best sound you've ever heard,<br />
To the little boy who is my deepest sorrow and my biggest delight,<br />
To the little boy who is my constant reminder of my failures and my greatest accomplishments, <br />
To the little boy who's chaos has become our normal,<br />
To the little boy who loves to make messes, yet keep things lined up in a row, <br />
To the little boy who's smile can mean something suspicious and sweet, <br />
To the little boy who's hugs I never tire of,<br />
To the little boy who can run around on pavement without shoes yet cries when his fingernail breaks, <br />
To the little boy who's love is so overbearing, yet comforting,<br />
To the little boy who makes me feel weak, yet so strong,<br />
To the little boy who makes me laugh even though he doesn't make sense,<br />
To the little boy who enjoys the simple things that make life not so simple,<br />
To the little boy who's tears bring me joy because I see that he can feel emotion<br />
To the little boy who may not remember the words but hums the tunes to his favorite songs...<br />
<br />
Keep on singing, keep on humming, keep on being simple, keep telling your jokes that don't make sense, keep telling me you love me, keep hugging, keep smiling, keep laughing, keep stealing and breaking my heart.<br />
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You are my autism awareness, you are my joy, you are my life, you are my son. You are God's constant reminder of my need for Him. For that I am thankful.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"Rejoice always, pray continually, </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>give thanks in all circumstances,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>1 Thessalonians 5:16-18</i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-56677774423798940922015-02-24T07:15:00.000-08:002015-02-24T07:15:58.177-08:00The Countdown It's the week of Near His Heart!! I'll be scrambling around as usual in the next few days finishing up last minute errands and details to make the night special. I'm blessed to be just a fraction of such an awesome planning team. I love the heart of everyone involved. <br />
<br />
Throughout the planning process our minds are focused on all of the families that will attend. We focus on making them feel encouraged, loved and uplifted. The joy that it gives me to see these families come and enjoy their night out makes the 6 months of planning worth it. I know full well what it means to them because I know first hand what it's like to live with a special needs child. I sometimes don't realize how much I'm blessed by Near His Heart; I'm so busy planning and getting things together that it's not until the week of the dinner that I sit back and think...Hey this night is for me too!! Most of the time, that thought comes in a moment of frustration when I feel lost as a parent of my sweet yet often challenging special needs child. <br />
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Raising a child with special needs is obviously different from raising a child that's typical. However, I think the thing that surprises me the most is the emotion behind raising a special needs child. I get emotional about every decision that's made concerning Jacob. Jacobs hindrances with autism are frustrating, but it doesn't even scratch the surface when it comes to the emotion of my heart. I'm constantly doubting my ability to be his parent and I always second guess the decisions I have to make for him. I constantly have to make hard decisions regarding his future. I worry what life will be like for him next year at a different school, when he gets into middle school and high school. Will he go to college? Will he be able to work? Will he live at home forever? Will he ever get married? Will he have kids? It's a feeling I've never felt when dealing with my typically developing, yet very rambunctious Caleb. Raising Jacob is a humbling experience on a daily basis. Not that I am humble by any means, but I realize often my need for Christ and his power to work through me and give me patience and humility with it all.<br />
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There is a phrase in the song "10,000 Reasons" that is often my prayer daily. It's not a fancy phrase but it's so often the cry of my heart. There are days that are hard physically, emotionally and spiritually and this is the only prayer I have for that day...<br />
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"Let me be singing when the evening comes."</div>
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I'm excited for Friday night to get here. It's a time that I enjoy ministering to other families while in turn these families minister to me. I love seeing their children, I love that they are filled with hope, I love that they have a night of rest, but most of all I love that they hear about the one that is the Great Comforter. </div>
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To all of the Near His Heart families, we love you, we care about you and we enjoy seeing you every year!</div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-27897577412019881582015-01-08T14:41:00.003-08:002015-01-08T14:41:38.743-08:00Socially Acceptable Christianity I recently saw an article about the Duggars disowning a family member for being pregnant out of wedlock. I didn't read the article and I don't plan to. I don't even know if it's true or not. I really hope it's not true. However, this is not a bash the Duggars article. Although I don't agree with everything the Duggars stand for, It was simply the title of that article that brought this issue back up in my mind.<br />
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So many times in the last few years I've witnessed Christians using social norms as the standard for Christianity. Society and maybe even some churches and pastors give us false instruction on how to deal with issues that are taboo or "against" the Word of God. The world expects us to act a certain way and we fall into the dangerous traps of giving them what they want. It's dangerous because sometimes our actions are actually very contradictory to what Christ lived while He was here on earth. Even more than that, He actually called people to do things that were opposite of what the world expected.<br />
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Jesus began going against social norms the day that he was conceived in Mary's womb. She was a virgin. A young girl who would be mocked, ridiculed and made out to be a liar. I can't imagine being put in her position. Then, an angel appeared to Joseph and told him not be afraid to take Mary as his wife, when society was telling him to divorce her quietly. Then move ahead in the story to the time of His birth. He was a king born in a stable. That pretty much sums up my thought on that. HE was a KING born in a STABLE!!! A king should be born in a palace, on purple sheets, while his mother is being fanned with palm branches and eating peeled grapes!!<br />
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Now, Let's go back to the old testament for a minute to a few stories that stand out to me. Rahab. She was a prostitute that hid Christian spies. God rescued her and her family from Jericho before destroying the city. However, the story doesn't stop there. Rahab (a prostitute may I remind you) was in the lineage of Jesus. He used this woman that was a disgrace to society, saved her from death (both physically and spiritually) AND then brought her to be in the line of Jesus. <br />
<br />
Now I know that this next issue is dying with time, but it was once very relevant and to some it still is. I grew up thinking that we aren't supposed to be with someone that is not our same race. I never understood that since I am part Irish, part Indian, Part English and part whatever else. I look at the story of Ruth and Naomi. To make the story short. Naomi and her husband left Bethlehem and went to Moab because of a famine. Now, in that day it was against Jewish law to marry someone outside of their nation. Naomi's two sons both married moabite women, one of whom was Ruth. Naomi's son's and husband both died and Naomi and Ruth returned to Bethlehem widowed and childless. I can imagine what the people in Bethlehem were whispering..."she disobeyed God, now her kids and husband are dead." or "She's a moabite, she'll never find another husband here." However, in a very interesting story, God redeemed Naomi's family with a kinsman redeemer named Boaz, who married Ruth. Not only did God redeem Naomi's family with this kinsman redeemer, but He restored them, then made them apart of the lineage of Jesus.<br />
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My favorite story of the old testament though, would have to be that of Hosea. I like this story because it mirrors so closely the love that Christ has for us. Read this...<br />
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<i>When the Lord began to speak through Hosea , the Lord said to him,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her."</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Hosea 1:2a</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Wait a second, you are saying that God told Hosea (who was a prophet and a man of God) to marry a woman who likes to sleep around? Yep!! Her name was Gomer and they ended up having three children together, all while she was cheating on Hosea. She ended up running away and found herself on an auction block where she was auctioning herself as a slave. Hosea found out that she was on auction, showed up and paid the highest price to buy her back. Is that not the perfect representation of what Christ did for us? God sent his son to this wretched earth to save us and after time and time again of us running from him and sinning against him, He paid the highest price by dying on a cross for you and me. <br />
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When Jesus was on the earth preforming miracles He did some pretty abnormal things to show His truth and love. He spoke to a Samaritan woman at the well. Totally against society. He stepped in when people were about to do the socially acceptable stoning of an adulterous woman. He spoke to a tax collector and went to his house even though he was hated by everyone. He healed a lame man on the sabbath. He touched lepers. He allowed a man into his close group of friends that not only was an unbeliever but also a betrayer.<br />
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So, when I hear stories of Christians disowning and hating others it makes me wonder if we're just giving in to what society expects. Are we letting social norms form our faith into something that is far different than what God's entire purpose was and is. Are we just pharisees that abide by a law with no love or mercy, pushing people away because they are sinners? Or are we lovers of the truth? Are we willing to step outside of normalcy and follow Christ's example of meeting people in their needs first, loving them and then leading them to repentance?<br />
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<i>"A new commandment I give to you, </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>that you love one another as I have loved you.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>By this everyone will know that you are my disciples." </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>John 13:34 & 35</i></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-69598295623259499422014-10-17T15:58:00.002-07:002014-10-17T16:05:37.534-07:00Naked Thoughts I've been mulling this blog over in my mind for the last 24 hours. This is one where I'm opening up and being vulnerable and sharing things that most people just think and don't actually say.<br />
<br />
There are many times in life when my mouth opens and I insert my foot. Last night was one of those times.<br />
<br />
A few things before I start...<br />
<br />
1. Please do not read this blog if you can't finish it. Parts of this will seem very harsh and I don't want you to read half way through and not read the rest.<br />
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2. Judge me when you've read the whole thing, not half way through!<br />
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3. I love my son as much as the next mom, but human love is imperfect and I continually pray for Christ to love Jacob through me. <br />
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So, now that that's out of the way... eh hem...Last night!<br />
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Last night I was talking to a very sweet person about foster care and I asked the question, "Is it hard to care for this 3 month old baby when he's not your own?" She simply replied, "Not at all! It's like you and Jacob. You learn how to deal with things and you stay strong no matter what." To which I replied "Yeah but I can't give Jacob back."<br />
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Okay, so now I'm sure you are sitting there thinking "Oh my gosh, Corrie, you are such a jerk."<br />
It wasn't until after I left that I realized how that sounded to everyone in the room. You are right, I am a jerk!! However, it's not in the way that you think. My comment was not directed toward what she said but it was an out pour of my own guilt. <br />
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When she was talking about how it parallel's to me raising Jacob, I found myself jealous of the fact that she could give the little boy back if things got hard (not that she would or wants to!!) Then I felt incredibly guilty for even letting that thought pass through my mind. Then, it came out of my mouth and I couldn't stop it. But, if I can be totally honest, I have thought that before. I think about what life would be like without Jacob. If I could give Jacob back, would I? I know that I wouldn't, but there are times that life gets so hard and so tiring that my mind will do anything to ease the pain. So yes, there are times that I wish I could give Jacob back. It's definitely not a rational thought though. It's an evil (yet very human) coping mechanism. Let's face it, Things would definitely be easier if Jacob didn't have autism. So, these thoughts creep in like little demons and set up camp in my mind.<br />
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I am not proud of where my thoughts go. I am certainly not proud to share these things with you, which is one reason I was debating whether or not I should even post this. However, all day I have been reminded of reasons why sharing could be beneficial... <br />
<br />
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<i>Therefore, confess your sins to each other</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and pray for each other</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>so that you may be healed.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>James 5:16 </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>He must become greater</i></div>
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<i>I must become less.</i></div>
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<i>John 3:30</i></div>
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<br /></div>
<i> </i>A few people in the recent past have told me that I'm a strong woman
and that I'm an awesome mom. I say this not to give myself a pat on the
back but to say that it makes me feel like I fraud. While they are
talking, in my mind I'm thinking "if only you knew what goes through my mind." I never want my christian walk to seem easy, seamless or put together. Our job as Christians is not to act like we have it all together and judge others that don't. It's to be open, honest and glorify God in our weaknesses. If sharing my depravity (which is human nature, I might add again) brings any
glory to God, then it was worth it. I know that my thoughts are hurtful,
hateful and whatever other words you want to insert here. But it's much
more than just evil thoughts. It displays a lack of faith in the God
that I so dearly love and worship. It shows a deeper lack of faith than
what is seen. It's a subconscious lack of faith, if you will.<br />
<br />
<i></i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>But He said "my grace is sufficient for you</i></div>
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<i>and my power is made perfect in weakness."</i></div>
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<i>Therefore I will boast all the more gladly </i></div>
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<i>about my weaknesses, so that Christ's </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>power will rest on me.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>2 Corinthians 12:9</i></div>
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<i> </i> So here I am being completely honest and open. I am in complete awe of God's continual love and faithfulness through my weakness and in spite of my weakness. I pray His love flows through me like it's never done before, because without His love, I am nothing. It's time that I start filling my mind with these verses...</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Trust in the Lord with all your heart,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and do not lean on your own understanding.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>make your paths straight.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Proverbs 3:5 & 6</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>trials of many kinds, for you know that </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>the testing of your faith produces perseverance.</i></div>
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<i>Let perseverance finish it's work so that you</i></div>
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<i>may be mature and complete, </i></div>
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<i>not lacking anything.</i></div>
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<i>James 1:4</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden,</i></div>
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<i>I will give you rest.</i></div>
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<i>Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>for I am gentle and lowly in heart,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and you will find rest for your souls.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Matthew 11:28-30</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>So do not lose heart. Though our outer</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>self is wasting away, our inner self is </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>being renewed day by day.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>For this light and momentary affliction </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>2 Corinthians 4:16</i></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-53544206050978510802014-09-18T06:27:00.000-07:002014-09-18T06:27:48.114-07:00A Few of My Own SecretsI just read a really good article titled <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/suzanne-perryman-/6-secrets-special-needs-moms-know-but-wont-tell-you_b_3081692.html">"6 Secrets Special Needs Moms Know But Won't Tell You." </a><br />
I'm not a reader. I don't love reading. I don't have time to read. However, when something is related to what I'm going through I can't help but read it. This lady has some excellent points but I decided to elaborate a little more on her points and apply it to my daily life.<br />
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1. <i>Special Needs Moms Are Lonely</i> - I think this is a total understatement. I can have a ton of friends around and still feel alone. Mainly because no matter how much they try to understand, they just don't. It's not their fault. No one can understand what it's like until they've lived in your shoes day in and day out. Before Caleb was born that feeling was way worse. I couldn't join in on conversations about achievements that my child had made because Jacob wasn't at the same stage as their kids. It still happens now when they ask me about Jacob and school. School is just different for us. Unless you understand our struggles you won't ever understand why I talk about the things I do. <br />
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2. <i>Special needs moms have to work extra hard at preserving their marriages.</i> - As if divorce isn't already rampant in our society, special needs parenting ads so much more stress to a marriage. In the article the lady states:<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"I put extra pressure on my husband; he is my best friend, and sometimes I
expect unrealistic BFF behavior from him at the end of the day.</i>" </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
If anyone is guilty of this, it's me!! Erick is the only person on this planet that knows exactly what it is like to live with not only a special needs child, but OUR special needs child. I get into a rut of expecting him to fulfill all of my friendship/relationship desires and I get frustrated when he doesn't care about every single facet of my day. It gets worse when my relationships with my friends are suffering. Which is often because I don't have the energy or time to keep every relationship healthy. which brings us back to point #1.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
3. <i>Special needs moms are not easily offended.</i> - I totally agree and disagree with this point. I never get offended when people are curious about our lives with Jacob or Jacob himself. Ask away! I know that people are curious and are interested to know about autism and the hindrances that come along with that. I do, however, get offended when you act like raising a special needs child is no different than raising a typical child. I have both and it's totally different in every single aspect, and acting like it's no different is devaluing the struggle of our daily lives. Also, it takes me back to point #1.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
4. <i>Special needs moms worry about dying</i> - This thought crosses my mind almost daily. Sometimes it's a fleeting thought and sometimes it lingers. I'm pretty sure that I have a scenario planned out in my mind of what would happen if each of our family members died. Maybe it sounds morbid, but it's a thought that I can't get away from. The thought of me AND Erick dying frightens me. I'm not really sure if anyone would be up for the task of taking care of a special needs kid and my other little wild child. It would be a huge undertaking and would really be hard for everyone, especially Jacob. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I was lying in bed with Caleb the other night singing a lullaby to him. I want to remember these times forever. I want to remember that at one point he had no worries in this world. One day, when Erick and I do pass, he will have the responsibility of taking care of Jacob. I hate, hate, hate that this responsibility is going to fall solely on him. I thank God often that he has given Caleb a strong, loving, proactive personality. It will benefit him in the long run and God's provision in that amazes me. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
5. <i>Special needs moms are fluent in the transforming body language of touch</i> - She doesn't really elaborate much on this. I had a few thoughts that were different from hers. Jacob really changes with touch. He loves and craves massages (Ha! Don't we all!) His moods can change with a simple rub on the back. Or rubbing his legs when I'm putting his shoes on. It calms him like nothing else can. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Another thought was the touch from Jacob. He doesn't touch much but when he does I cherish it. He just recently starting bear hugging me, on his own! His hugs usually consist of him leaning his head toward you so you can kiss his head. I love it when I'm cooking supper and he runs in and bear hugs me and says "I love you mommy." Absolutely nothing like it! Which was a nice segue to to point #6.</div>
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<br /></div>
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6. <i>Special needs moms know how to savor the gift of a child saying "I love you"</i> - When Jacob genuinely says I love you, it's the best thing I've ever heard. Sometimes this is rote speech and replaces the things that he's trying to say, which is really frustrating. However, when he says it and means it, it's precious. He also likes to say this when he's in trouble, which shows me that he knows how to manipulate as well! He's a loving child, with a lot to offer and I love it when we share these 3 little words. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-8804288621442472172014-07-22T06:19:00.000-07:002014-07-22T06:21:54.922-07:00WWJD I've been living strictly by this acronym for 7, almost 8, years now. It's hard and frustrating to always ask myself this question. However, it really benefits me in the long run if I will follow the answer and not stray much from it. I know what your thinking! She's crazy!! WWJD was just a dumb fad 15 years ago. I can assure you though, it's not what you think. My question is nothing of Christian connotation but of daily survival.<br />
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What Would Jacob Do?<br />
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This is the question I've asked myself for the last 8 years. It's a simple one, yet so complicated. The fact that my life is constantly dictated by my oldest child is sometimes frustrating and dis-heartening but it is necessary. I sometimes feel guilty because at some point Caleb is going to realize that the decisions we make revolve around Jacob. I hope he understands when that day comes.<br />
<br />
It's like this...<br />
<br />
"Where should we go eat?" -- Jacob can only eat at such and such.<br />
"Can we go to a movie?" -- Jacob doesn't do good in movies.<br />
"Can I get a cookie at the grocery store bakery?" -- No, Jacob can't have those.<br />
"Can you come to my birthday party?" -- Jacob doesn't do good at parties with a<br />
lot of people, and he can't eat any of the food<br />
"What are we eating for supper?" -- Something that Jacob can eat too.<br />
<br />
Or with big decisions<br />
<br />
"Should we move into a different house?" -- I wonder how Jacob would handle that<br />
"Where should we go on vacation?" -- We need to go somewhere that Jacob will enjoy<br />
"Should we have another kid?" -- I really don't think that would be good for Jacob or us.<br />
<br />
Jacob can't help that he dictates life for us though. It wasn't his choice to have autism. I used to be angry about it and sometimes it still gets the best of me; but for the most part I understand that it is what it is and I might as well enjoy the times I have with both of my kids.<br />
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I can want what I don't have, or, I can be joyful in the awesome, sweet little boys that I do have and live life to the fullest with them with no regrets.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>It's not having what you want,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>it's wanting what you have.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~Sheryl Crow~</i></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-4028484043553872832014-05-30T09:13:00.002-07:002014-05-30T09:16:34.044-07:00Small Steps, Big VictoriesAnother trip to the beach is under our belts. Each year brings new challenges but also wonderful victories. Jacob changes so rapidly that things that may not have bothered him last year could potentially bother him this year and vice versa. You never know what his reaction is going to be to things.<br />
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He has once again amazed me. His courage, encourages me!<br />
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I want you to take a quick look at his picture from the bay last year and his picture from the bay this year.<br />
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2013 </div>
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I love to watch him grow and conquer his fears. You will never quit hearing that from me. His small steps are undeniably huge for him and it delights me more than life itself. With all the struggles and hardships we have it makes the victories that much more special. </div>
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The best part about this trip is that getting in the bay is not the only success he had. He really outdid himself this time!!! Before you see these next pictures I want you to understand that Jacob has never ridden ANY ride ANY where until this last fall at Caleb's birthday party (which was a total shock to everyone)</div>
. Not only has he never ridden, he's never shown a desire to ride and always protests even if we tell him he doesn't have to ride. Not only did he ride some things at The Track but it was HIS idea...yes I just said that, yes I'm writing that because I'm still trying to believe it myself. Let me say it one more time for clarity...HE made the decision to ride some rides and for that there is no scale large enough to weigh how proud I am of him and probably no measuring device long enough to measure how much courage it took him. Ok I'll quit gloating and show you the pictures.<br />
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I'm actually proud of both of my boys for this. Caleb will hop on any ride any time but he knows that Jacob is typically scared and this was him during the swing ride. Constantly checking on his "brudder."</div>
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I know that each year we will see growth in both of our boys. It makes me have hope for Jacob and with each year I pray that Caleb continues to be Jacob's best friend.</div>
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We had a great time at the beach with or without Jacob's triumphs (of coarse, that made the trip better) but I will leave you with some other pics from our wonderful trip!</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bNvTiWObiPQ/U4imq_PWqQI/AAAAAAAAASU/DCGcE8M-Gv0/s1600/Jacob.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-74208342121056024452014-05-20T10:28:00.000-07:002014-05-20T10:28:12.851-07:00Field Day TearsI had the chance to attend Field Day with Jacob today. I wasn't really sure what to expect from him. Sometimes he likes to participate and other times it's just lots of tears.<br />
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Today it was lots of tears, but not from Jacob, from me. I was thankful for my sunglasses!!!<br />
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When I first arrived, all the kids were sitting under the gazebo listening to instructions. Not so long ago I would have been able to spot Jacob immediately because he wasn't following directions or sitting with his class. Today, when I pulled up, It was just a sea of little 1st grade heads and no Jacob to be seen. I walked up to his teacher and she quietly pointed to Jacob, sitting so still with his classmates, listening to the directions. No one would've known what that scenario would have looked like for him just a short year ago.<br />
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The first station was tug of war. He was not enthused at all but he jumped in there and was a trooper! He was ready to be finished after the tug of war. Sweet boy didn't realize that we had five more stations to go.<br />
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The next few stations were uneventful. except for me pulling Jacob along trying to assist him with a few tasks.<br />
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The last station was my favorite and the most emotional for me. Jacob was faced with a relay race where you have to link arms with a team mate and hop down and around a cone. He was not interested in this at all and has a hard time when people hold him or link arms with him. Jacob's aid asked the girls if any of them wanted to be Jacob's partner and a few of them raised their hands begging to be Jacob's partner. The girl that landed the job was a sweet little girl named Kylie. I quietly stood by and watched as she took Jacob's hand and said to him "come on Jacob you can do it."<br />
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*Tears*<br />
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It came to be Jacob and Kylie's turn and they started off great. Then Jacob sat on the ground protesting. I was about to step in and assist when I saw Kylie kneel down and say "get up let's go." He got up and proceeded with his task at hand.<br />
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*Tears*<br />
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I started saying "go Jacob" like I normally do, then, all of a sudden Jacob's entire class was chanting his name. "Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob"<br />
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*Tears, tears and more tears*<br />
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He began smiling, proud of himself for completing the relay. When he got back to the starting line, the entire class yelled "YAY, JACOB!!"<br />
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*Niagra Falls!!*<br />
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I spent all morning listening to kids making fun of each other and making each other mad. I never once heard anyone say anything bad about Jacob. They all were rooting him on with each difficulty he faced.<br />
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Thank you to the teachers for looking out for him and thank you Jesus for placing sweet people in his life!!<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-80047367646382508262014-05-04T13:40:00.000-07:002014-05-04T13:41:22.485-07:00"The Talk"I never thought I'd be having "The Talk" with my 7 year old. I'm not ready for this. It's too much. It's too soon!! Why can't he just stay little a little longer.<br />
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I'm not talking about "The Talk" that you are thinking about though. I'm talking about "The Talk" where I have to explain to Jacob that he's different than other kids. That he sometimes struggles more than other kids. That he has autism.<br />
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He told us the other day that he's not normal...that he's not like the other kids. We didn't know what to say. We want Jacob to know that he's different, in hopes that it helps him understand what he needs to do to overcome his obstacles in life. But, How do you tell your kid that he's not like the other kids at school? I wanted him to stay unaware as long as possible. Ignorance is bliss, right?<br />
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I know I can't really postpone telling him any longer though. The sooner I try to explain his differences the better off he will be. I don't want him to be confused or frustrated with himself and I'm hoping that explaining his diagnosis will help him.<br />
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I might as well explain it to Caleb while I'm at it. He is starting to notice that Jacob has more fears than he does. The other day I was trying to trim Jacob's toe nails. A task not for the faint at heart. He was screaming and crying and Caleb said so sweetly "Jacob it doesn't hurt, see, mommy did mine the other day!" As much as Caleb was trying to console him, it didn't work, and it never does. A small simple task turned into a screaming fit with Jacob pounding his fist into my back as I held him down to trim his toes. Him screaming "am I done" at the top of his lungs while violently kicking his feet.<br />
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By the end of the fiasco he and I were both crying. I put the clippers down where he could see I didn't have them anymore and then I sat next to him and held him close. I told him that I was sorry that it was so scary for him and that I just wanted to make sure his toe nails weren't cutting him. I tried my best to explain that what I was doing was for his own good. The anxiety is just too overwhelming for him to understand that concept. With a waiver of sadness in his voice he asked, "mommy, why does it scare me more than it scares other people?" I sat, bewildered at the question he had just asked. As my mind raced to find the words, my heart was broken. Why, oh why does my sweet boy have to struggle with life.<br />
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I went on to explain that other people are scared of other things. Daddy is scared of heights and I'm scared of spiders. He seemed to be satisfied with that answer, Thank you Jesus!! It was then that I realized that it was time, it's time to explain to him how different his mind is, but that we love him just the way he is.<br />
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Oh how I wish life was easier for him, but his life continues to teach me so much about mine.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-75868379572749922902014-02-28T06:36:00.002-08:002014-02-28T06:36:45.982-08:00Things to PonderTwo days after Near His Heart, and a long two months planning for it, I get a cold and Erick and Jacob end up with a nasty stomach bug. On top of that it's the week that I had set aside to study for my real estate exam. That was obviously pushed back a week due to all the sickness. In the midst of a very frustrating and tiring week I experienced two moments that I will cherish forever.<br />
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Most of you may know that kids with autism don't reciprocate love very often. We've been blessed that Jacob does this sometimes, but not all the time. Or, it may come in a different way that doesn't seem like love at all. When it comes to Caleb, Jacob doesn't share his love. Which, is typical of most brothers I assume. In fact, at supper when Jacob says his blessings he says...<br />
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<i>"Dear Jesus, thank you for mommy, daddy and RJ and for our food, Amen!!" </i></div>
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We have to continually remind him to add Caleb to his prayer and he does so, reluctantly.<br />
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This last Tuesday, after a long frustrating day, Jacob and Caleb were lying in their beds supposed to be going to sleep. I hear Caleb call out from his bed, "I love you Jacob" and a few moments later I heard something that was sweet music to my ears..."I love you too Caleb!" I do believe somewhere on this earth there were pigs flying. Erick and I made sure that we each heard what was going on upstairs.<br />
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After Jacob got the stomach bug and was on the couch all morning yesterday, I once again was greeted with another sweet moment. Caleb knew that Jacob wasn't feeling well so he got a few cars, went over to the couch and began to play with my sweet, lethargic Jacob. This wasn't very odd, considering that Caleb adores Jacob and likes to make him happy. Even so, it was a sweet sight.<br />
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They continued to play like this for a good 15 minutes and I enjoyed every minute of it. I went about my day trying to clean and straighten up and when I came back in, I found them like this...<br />
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I had to pinch myself to make sure that I was not dreaming...ok not really, but this moment IS rare. The fact that Caleb climbed up on the couch with Jacob is nothing to write home about. It's the fact that Jacob didn't push him off. Now, THAT, is nothing short of a miracle.<br />
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<i>"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart"</i></div>
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<i>Luke 2:19</i></div>
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I love when our own life moments make certain verses in the Bible come to life for us. When I was little and heard this verse I never understood the depth of it. Now that I'm a mom, I can understand the emotion that this one short little verse is talking about. Even through the chaos of life, we can find moments that make life sweet. Thank you Jesus for these moments!!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-51732573734741087172014-02-14T06:56:00.000-08:002014-02-14T06:56:53.586-08:00New Mercies<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Because of the Lord's great love, </i></div>
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<i>we are not consumed</i></div>
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<i>for his compassions never fail.</i></div>
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<i>They are new every morning;</i></div>
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<i>great is your faithfulness.</i></div>
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<i>Lamentations 3:22 & 23</i></div>
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I woke up with this verse on my mind. Jacob woke me up just a few minutes before five and I surprisingly felt very refreshed. Refreshed is not normally how I feel anytime the number four is at the beginning of my clock, but for some reason I felt like a million bucks. </div>
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Jacob left for school, then Erick left shortly after for work. As Caleb and I sat, eating breakfast and listening to some music on my phone, I became overwhelmingly thankful for God's mercies that are new every morning. They are always there, but I don't always acknowledge them. I pulled out my Bible and looked up the scripture and to my surprise it was in Lamentations. I assumed it would have been in Psalms. </div>
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My whole reason for being thankful for this verse is because I fail so often and I'm thankful that his mercies are new every morning. I have the desire for everything I do and say to people be lifting them up and not tearing them down. We have the ability to either tear people down or build people up with our words and we seldom pay attention to the effect that our words have on people.</div>
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<i>A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.</i></div>
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<i>Proverbs 15:4</i></div>
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<i>A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.</i></div>
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<i>Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; He who opens wide his lips comes to ruin</i></div>
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<i>Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place</i></div>
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<i>but instead let there be thanksgiving.</i></div>
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<i>Ephesians 5:4</i></div>
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Most of the time my words don't represent any of these previous verses. I have the desire to speak life into my husband and my children, but I fail them often. I have great intentions on building people up but I usually tear them down instead. I have great dreams in ministering to others but I find myself struggling to minister to the ones I live with, which they should always come first. I relate so well to Paul when he writes the following,</div>
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<i>I know that nothing good lives in me,</i></div>
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<i> that is, in my sinful nature. </i></div>
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<i>For I have the desire</i></div>
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<i>to do what is good, </i></div>
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<i>No, the evil I do not want to do, this I keep on doing.</i></div>
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I'm not always going to get it right, and I'll fail again today at some point. But I can strive to speak life with my words and when I do fail, I know that his mercies are new every morning!!</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-70711573801552892442014-02-12T06:53:00.000-08:002014-02-12T06:53:31.937-08:00The Quest For SleepI was awoken this morning by little feet and the hall light being turned on. I looked at my clock and it read 4:36 a.m.. My first thought was "ugh, it's before 5" my second thought was "Yay, he slept 16 minutes longer than yesterday!!"<br />
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I've always heard about sleep problems that other kids with autism have. Erick and I had always said that we were blessed in that area because Jacob had always been a fantastic sleeper. However, people that over hear the conversations I've had lately with my parents and my friends about Jacob's sleeping habits probably think that I'm talking about an infant, and rightfully so. In all honesty though, I'd rather be dealing with infant sleep issues right now. I feel like I'd be more adequately prepared for a sleepless baby.<br />
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Jacob woke up at 4:58 the other morning. Erick and I were excited because we actually got to sleep "late" that morning. As we lay in bed Erick excitedly said "Is it sad that I'm excited that I got to sleep as late as 5 a.m.?" I began to laugh as I answered him, "Yes, but I'm excited too!"<br />
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For the past three in a half months Jacob has been getting up before 5 a.m. It started off him getting up at 4:30 and has gotten earlier and earlier. The night that surpassed all other nights is the night that he woke up at 1:45 and never went back to sleep, even after I gave him benadryl. I made another appointment with his doctor after that one! The weirdest thing about all of it, is that he doesn't seem sleepy during the day either. His behavior has slowly gotten worse and he's rocking more and more and is getting irritable very easily.<br />
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We've exhausted every possibility of why he's getting up. We've adjusted his meds, gotten him a memory foam mattress topper, given him a night light, made sure he was pottied up before bed, given him melatonin and benedryl. We just started giving him a stronger sleep aid at night and he's back to getting up at 4:30, which is a huge difference than the two and three o'clock awakenings. However, his sleep meds are hanging with him throughout the day and he can hardly keep his eyes open. He's been extremely irritable in the mornings and it's been a big struggle just to get him dressed to go to school.<br />
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I'm starting to feel like I'm failing him. I'm running ragged trying to figure out what's going on in his little mind and body but I continue to watch him struggle and, in my negative mind, possibly deteriorating. This whole ordeal is consuming my mind. I have forgotten many important things lately. Possibly from lack of sleep or possibly from only being concerned with this one matter...maybe it's a little of both. I've never known sleep deprivation more than I know it now. My heart tells me I love Jacob immensely but my mind tells me to be annoyed with him and just distance myself from him. It's an emotional struggle for me. I feel love, guilt, shame, joy, hope, hate. It's all wrapped up in one little package and it's hard to have one without the other. It's the one of many times that Jacob needs positive attention and that's the one thing that is so hard to give.<br />
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A concerned friend asked me the other day how Erick and I were doing through all of this. It was a nice question to ask because with any type of sleep deprivation, being selfless and loving is not at the forefront of your mind and your relationships start to suffer. I laughed and replied, "It's been great, we're too exhausted to argue." Although that may be true, it reminded me of how well Erick and I work together in the face of disaster. Maybe you think disaster is a strong word, but if you'd lived in my shoes the past three in a half months you would see that I was being gracious with my choice of words.<br />
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In the midst of what could have turned into a top story on the news entitled "Mom and dad lock their two boys in their closets then slept for 3 days straight," I can think of a few positive things that have come out of the chaos...<br />
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Like I said previously, I was reminded that Erick and I work well together. We've traded off sleep times and frustrating tasks. We've laughed when we've wanted to scream and we've started doing something together that Erick always wanted...we drink coffee together now.<br />
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We have spent more time around the breakfast table as a family lately. If you're going to get up that early, you might as well enjoy it. You can't enjoy an early morning better than with a southern breakfast of bacon, eggs, biscuits and grits.<br />
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I can fully understand other autism moms when they tell me about their kids sleeping issues. You can always minister to others better when you've been through it yourself.<br />
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This has been the busiest time ever for our family. Not only has Jacob not been sleeping good but I'm trying to be the super mom while getting my real estate license and then on top of that plan for Near His Heart (the dinner for families of special needs kids). I've never been more driven to plan for Near His Heart. I know it's always been needed but now, in the midst of lack of sleep, I realize what other special needs families face on a consistent basis. I realize even more, now, how much these families need a night of rest, encouragement and revitalization.<br />
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Ok, now I need to go finish my coffee, then take a nap!!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-22603908594130375712014-01-20T11:42:00.001-08:002014-01-20T11:51:16.225-08:00The Lonely RoadLet me just start off by saying that this is not a post to complain about my life with Jacob. To be able to share with you what's on my heart, I have to give you a little insight into my daily frustrations and then I will make my point...<br />
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We have good days and bad days with Jacob. Some days he seems very aware of everything around him, he's talking more and smiling more and seems to be, in his own way, independent. Then there are the bad days...<br />
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For the last 3 months Jacob has consistently been waking up between 3:30 and 4:30 a.m.. He hasn't slept passed 4:30 in I don't know how long. He won't go back to sleep for anything. We've tried melatonin, Benedryl and other natural remedies and nothing is working. Erick and I are sleep deprived but we're trying to stay calm and positive. It's HARD!!!!<br />
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Jacob obsesses over things. Lately he continues to open and shut doors throughout the house constantly, it drives us crazy! He gets hung up on words and won't quit saying them. Right now he keeps saying "shut-up" and we can't get him to stop. He's been rocking again all the time and that noise that it makes when he's rocking in the recliner is starting to grate on my nerves. He's been obsessing over a picture that we have of him and our neighbor RJ. He's Jacob's biggest buddy, which is really sweet. However, he carries this picture around and talks to it, sleeps with it and completely obsesses over it. All these things are cute for the first hour and then they are annoying.<br />
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Jacob has been demanding stuff lately. Screaming at me, demanding me to get him things. He's been kicking and screaming when he doesn't get his way. He's also been slightly abusive to me and Caleb.<br />
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Jacob has been resisting everything!! Going to the bathroom, eating, getting dressed, getting on the bus, going to sleep or staying asleep I should say...these are just to name a few.<br />
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Many times, now, I do get some love in return. Jacob will hug me and ask me to kiss his cheek and he says "I love you mom." I remember not too long ago that I didn't ever get anything in return. Those were the hard days. Giving everything you had to offer to your child, them resisting it all and then getting nothing in return is a hard pill to swallow.<br />
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Most of the time I have to feed Jacob. Not because he can't physically feed himself but I have to feed him so that he at least gets something healthy in his body.<br />
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He's 7 1/2 years old and I assume that other 7 1/2 year olds bathe themselves. Jacob doesn't, I bathe him just like I did when he was 2 years old. I brush his teeth and I give him his medicine. Most 7 1/2 year olds can probably dress themselves. Jacob's getting close but I still have to dress him and put his shoes on. Most 7 1/2 year old probably don't need any assistants in the bathroom, again, not the case for Jacob.<br />
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I know some of you are reading this and thinking that it sounds like raising your typical child...it's not anything like raising your typical child. I have a typical child so I can say with full confidence that it's NOTHING like raising a typical child. Imagine the thing that annoys you about your kid the most, multiply it by 10 and then add it to every single second of every single day and then imagine no type of discipline strategy working.<br />
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This is just the tip of the iceberg compared to some people. Some people have children that are way more severe than Jacob. Some people are going on YEARS of sleep deprivation. Some of them are bathing and dressing their 30 year old and spoon feeding them. Some people have no relationship with their child. At least Jacob does play and laugh with us. Some people have medical bills stacked to the ceiling of things that they can't pay for. Some people are raising a child with multiple disabilities, or multiple children with disabilities. How do they do it? I sit here and think that Erick and I have it bad, and compared to most, we do. But compared to many other's? We have it easy. How do they do it? How do they live every single day and not lose their minds? I've only had 3 months of sleep deprivation but what about the people that have 13 year olds that don't ever sleep. I'm talking about years upon years of not getting the correct sleep.<br />
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I've seen/heard about 5 stories in the last year about mother's who have murdered their sons that have autism. Most of these little boys look to be around the same age as Jacob. Most people probably think they are horrible horrible people and while I tend to lean that way, I can't help but think how easy it would be to go down that road. If I didn't have Christ, my husband, my parents, my church and my friends to lean on, then I would probably go down that road too. I can see where it would be easy if I didn't have the support that I have.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/zulKcYItKIA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe>Special needs is lonely, draining and discouraging. I woke up this morning, heavy hearted for the families that have it worse than me and that have been at it longer than me. I want them to have joy, hope and peace. I know that Near His Heart is only one night, but it's something that I can do to give these families a brief moment of rest and enjoyment. Something so simple can go such a long way when you are struggling to find joy.<br />
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Mom's are already too hard on themselves. Mom's with children with special needs are even worse on themselves. The looks and the stares that we get from the outside world are the worst because they have no idea what it's like to walk in our shoes. Today, I'm praying for all the mom's out there with special needs children. I pray that they can find comfort, that they can find hope and peace. I wish they could all come to Near His Heart!! If Near His Heart only reaches 1 person then it is totally worth it to me. To give one mom hope and peace would mean the world to me!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-68687085369576197422014-01-16T12:38:00.002-08:002014-01-16T12:38:39.377-08:00Welcome To The Family!!I just got off the phone with a mom from Baldwin County. She just entered the autism family. Welcome to the fam!! It's a crazy ride! I call it family because sometimes I can relate to the other autism moms better than my own blood relatives. She got my number from my uncle and called me because she found out last week that her 3 1/2 year old son has autism. We talked for a while about treatments, advice, therapies, vitamin regimens and diets. I started reminiscing about what life used to be like for us and I became overwhelmingly blessed with how far Jacob has come.<br />
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I remember having to reward Jacob with smarties in the car just for not crying because we went a different way than he thought we were going. I also remember having to reward him in Walmart for not freaking out at the bright lights. It was somewhat similar to training a dog. I would have smarties in my pocket and would reward him every time he behaved correctly and I'm pretty sure that "good boy" came out of my mouth a few times. I began laughing as I told her about the smarties rewards. I had almost totally forgotten about rewarding him in that way. His behavior has changed so much that it's almost like having a totally different kid.<br />
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There are memories that I don't laugh about so much. Like the constant poop smearing activities that went on in Jacob's room. Those memories are free to fade!! It's never fun getting woken up from a deep sleep but getting woken up from a deep sleep and walking into your child's room only to step in warm, wet....well you know!<br />
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It's amazing how many people I've met over the years that I never would've known had it not been for autism. Some of them have turned out to be pretty great friends! I remember calling strangers to get advice and information. One of those lady's is the one that asked me to be on the <a href="http://www.nearhisheart.blogspot.com/">Near His Heart </a> team. Who would've have known that a phone call out of autism potty training desperation could have lead to such a fun ministry.<br />
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I'm so thankful to all of those that have been there through the years, whether it was a one time phone call or a few phone calls that turned into friendships. I love getting to pass on the encouragement to other moms new to the journey.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474800088480779134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577106326606824928.post-12966353096640229742014-01-09T07:26:00.004-08:002014-01-09T08:34:30.053-08:00The Glorious Turmoil I used to question whether or not I was truly saved. I believed in Jesus and knew that he was real, but was it just because I grew up hearing it. having grown up in the church, it's sometimes confusing whether or not you believe it because you actually believe it or you believe it because you've just been told over and over that it was truth. Either way I'm so thankful that my parent's took me to church because it laid the foundation for Christ to work in my life.<br />
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I've been a believer since I was five years old. I remember going into my parent's room one night and asking my dad to help me ask Jesus in my heart. I know now that I didn't know at all what that meant or what I was getting myself into but I know that I wanted to and that I had that desire at an early age. At the age of eleven I remember realizing that there was more to Christ than just saying a prayer and being baptized. It was then that I started taking my relationship with Christ more seriously. Even then, I was a kid and didn't really know what it meant to be a Christ follower, but I knew that there was something special about it.<br />
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I like to think that I was a strong Christian through my high school years. I never did anything terribly bad, I obeyed my parents and didn't get into trouble. I bought into what our youth pastor was saying and followed it with all my heart. Even then I didn't know what true devotion was nor had I ever experienced anything that knocked me off my feet to where I had to totally depend on Him for guidance. I obviously knew more than when I was five and started to understand more of why He sent his son to die for us but I was still caught up in the superficial, religious and judgmental side of Christianity.<br />
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It wasn't until I got married and had kids that He started to stretch my faith. It's ironic to me that the two things that I wanted more than life itself, are the two things where God has tested my faith and made me grow in the most un-pretty and un-graceful way. I've never cried on my face before God more than for my marriage and for my kids. All along I thought God was preparing me, throughout my teenage years, to be a good wife and mom. I realize now the only thing He was preparing me for was to be able to run to him when I was struggling and failing miserably.<br />
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My proof of salvation now comes from the fact that when I run from the Truth and start trying to do things on my own, there's this uncontrollable, involuntary pull from the Holy Spirit that always brings me full circle back to His grace. It's like a bungee cord on my soul that, when I run so far from Him, it yanks me back to reality and into His loving arms. This process might sound joyful and fun but it's painful, dreadful and hard. It's in those times that God reveals to me where I've gone wrong and it's never fun to be told you're wrong. I can, now, totally relate to the song <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76ifTTuL4XI">"You Never Let Go"</a> by Matt Redman...<br />
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"Oh no, You never let go</div>
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through the calm and through the storms</div>
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Oh no, You never let go</div>
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in every high and every low</div>
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Oh no, You never let go</div>
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Lord, You never let go of me."</div>
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I remember a few years ago, when I was struggling with our new autism life, running from God. It was really unintentional but the longer it went on I started to wonder if I was ever going to run back to Him. It was painful to be faithful, because in a way I thought He wasn't faithful to me. I questioned Him and hated Him at times. I kept reminding myself of the cute little sentence we all say to each other, you know the one that is supposed to make you feel good in times of sadness..."God will never give you more than you can handle." Those words are supposed to be comforting, but in the midst of total devastation, they come as a nuisance. I wanted to die during that time and hearing those words didn't make it any easier. At the time it is more than you can bear, which is the perfect place to start totally relying on Him.<br />
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Now looking back over the years, I wouldn't trade a second of my pain for anything. It's in those times that God drew close to me even though I didn't realize it at the time. It's in those times I've learned to worship Him through the pain because in the end what we gain in heaven far outweighs our troubles on earth. I never quite understood people when they would talk about longing to be in heaven. The thought of not being on the earth was always a scary thought for me. The older I get, physically and spiritually, I feel that same longing I once thought was odd. I can't wait to just be with Christ and not struggle with this earthly life. I can't wait to have a purified faith that doesn't struggle to be faithful. The most exciting thing for me is the thought that I will one day know Jacob in heaven in a perfected body with no more autism and he will be able to speak to me clearly and love me with no hesitations.<br />
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I am beginning to understand the verse in James 1:2<br />
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"Consider it pure joy my brothers</div>
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when you face trials of many kinds,</div>
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because you know that the testing of your faith</div>
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produces perseverance. </div>
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Let perseverance finish its work,</div>
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so that you may be mature and complete,</div>
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not lacking anything."</div>
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I was listening to a John Piper sermon yesterday <a href="http://www.desiringgod.org/conference-messages/do-not-lose-heart">"Do Not Lose Heart." </a>It's the one that the excerpt on Shane and Shane's "Though You Slay Me" video comes from. It's a fantastic sermon on the verses in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18</div>
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"Therefore, we do not lose heart,</div>
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though outwardly we are wasting away</div>
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yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.</div>
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For our light and momentary troubles</div>
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are achieving for us an eternal glory</div>
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that far outweighs them all.</div>
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So we fix our eyes not on what is seen</div>
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but what is unseen</div>
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since what is seen is temporary </div>
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but what is unseen is eternal."</div>
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I think this is going to be my new life verse. It's a reminder that what we do on this earth and what we face on this earth is by far anything but meaningless. It's the time that He is preparing us to live with Him in eternity and I will worship Him through the pain and suffering to see that promise fulfilled. I look forward to the day I see Christ with my own eyes and can look back on my life and realize that every tear was not in vein.</div>
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