Me and Jacob

Me and Jacob

Friday, February 28, 2014

Things to Ponder

Two days after Near His Heart, and a long two months planning for it, I get a cold and Erick and Jacob end up with a nasty stomach bug. On top of that it's the week that I had set aside to study for my real estate exam. That was obviously pushed back a week due to all the sickness. In the midst of a very frustrating and tiring week I experienced two moments that I will cherish forever.

Most of you may know that kids with autism don't reciprocate love very often. We've been blessed that Jacob does this sometimes, but not all the time. Or, it may come in a different way that doesn't seem like love at all. When it comes to Caleb, Jacob doesn't share his love. Which, is typical of most brothers I assume. In fact, at supper when Jacob says his blessings he says...

"Dear Jesus, thank you for mommy, daddy and RJ and for our food, Amen!!" 

We have to continually remind him to add Caleb to his prayer and he does so, reluctantly.

This last Tuesday, after a long frustrating day, Jacob and Caleb were lying in their beds supposed to be going to sleep. I hear Caleb call out from his bed, "I love you Jacob" and a few moments later I heard something that was sweet music to my ears..."I love you too Caleb!" I do believe somewhere on this earth there were pigs flying. Erick and I made sure that we each heard what was going on upstairs.

After Jacob got the stomach bug and was on the couch all morning yesterday, I once again was greeted with another sweet moment. Caleb knew that Jacob wasn't feeling well so he got a few cars, went over to the couch and began to play with my sweet, lethargic Jacob. This wasn't very odd, considering that Caleb adores Jacob and likes to make him happy. Even so, it was a sweet sight.


They continued to play like this for a good 15 minutes and I enjoyed every minute of it. I went about my day trying to clean and straighten up and when I came back in, I found them like this...


I had to pinch myself to make sure that I was not dreaming...ok not really, but this moment IS rare. The fact that Caleb climbed up on the couch with Jacob is nothing to write home about. It's the fact that Jacob didn't push him off. Now, THAT, is nothing short of a miracle.

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart"
Luke 2:19

I love when our own life moments make certain verses in the Bible come to life for us. When I was little and heard this verse I never understood the depth of it. Now that I'm a mom, I can understand the emotion that this one short little verse is talking about. Even through the chaos of life, we can find moments that make life sweet. Thank you Jesus for these moments!!

Friday, February 14, 2014

New Mercies

Because of the Lord's great love, 
we are not consumed
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22 & 23

I woke up with this verse on my mind. Jacob woke me up just a few minutes before five and I surprisingly felt very refreshed. Refreshed is not normally how I feel anytime the number four is at the beginning of my clock, but for some reason I felt like a million bucks. 

Jacob left for school, then Erick left shortly after for work. As Caleb and I sat, eating breakfast and listening to some music on my phone, I became overwhelmingly thankful for God's mercies that are new every morning. They are always there, but I don't always acknowledge them. I pulled out my Bible and looked up the scripture and to my surprise it was in Lamentations. I assumed it would have been in Psalms. 

My whole reason for being thankful for this verse is because I fail so often and I'm thankful that his mercies are new every morning. I have the desire for everything I do and say to people be lifting them up and not tearing them down. We have the ability to either tear people down or build people up with our words and we seldom pay attention to the effect that our words have on people.

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.
Proverbs 15:4

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1

Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; He who opens wide his lips comes to ruin
Proverbs 13:3

Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place
but instead let there be thanksgiving.
Ephesians 5:4

Most of the time my words don't represent any of these previous verses. I have the desire to speak life into my husband and my children, but I fail them often. I have great intentions on building people up but I usually tear them down instead. I have great dreams in ministering to others but I find myself struggling to minister to the ones I live with, which they should always come first. I relate so well to Paul when he writes the following,

I know that nothing good lives in me,
 that is, in my sinful nature. 
For I have the desire
to do what is good, 
but I cannot carry it out.
For what I do is not the good I want to do; 
No, the evil I do not want to do, this I keep on doing.
Romans 7:18 & 19


I'm not always going to get it right, and I'll fail again today at some point. But I can strive to speak life with my words and when I do fail, I know that his mercies are new every morning!!










Wednesday, February 12, 2014

The Quest For Sleep

I was awoken this morning by little feet and the hall light being turned on. I looked at my clock and it read 4:36 a.m.. My first thought was "ugh, it's before 5" my second thought was "Yay, he slept 16 minutes longer than yesterday!!"

I've always heard about sleep problems that other kids with autism have. Erick and I had always said that we were blessed in that area because Jacob had always been a fantastic sleeper. However, people that over hear the conversations I've had lately with my parents and my friends about Jacob's sleeping habits probably think that I'm talking about an infant, and rightfully so. In all honesty though, I'd rather be dealing with infant sleep issues right now. I feel like I'd be more adequately prepared for a sleepless baby.

Jacob woke up at 4:58 the other morning. Erick and I were excited because we actually got to sleep "late" that morning. As we lay in bed Erick excitedly said "Is it sad that I'm excited that I got to sleep as late as 5 a.m.?" I began to laugh as I answered him, "Yes, but I'm excited too!"

For the past three in a half months Jacob has been getting up before 5 a.m. It started off him getting up at 4:30 and has gotten earlier and earlier. The night that surpassed all other nights is the night that he woke up at 1:45 and never went back to sleep, even after I gave him benadryl. I made another appointment with his doctor after that one! The weirdest thing about all of it, is that he doesn't seem sleepy during the day either. His behavior has slowly gotten worse and he's rocking more and more and is getting irritable very easily.

We've exhausted every possibility of why he's getting up. We've adjusted his meds, gotten him a memory foam mattress topper, given him a night light, made sure he was pottied up before bed, given him melatonin and benedryl. We just started giving him a stronger sleep aid at night and he's back to getting up at 4:30, which is a huge difference than the two and three o'clock awakenings. However, his sleep meds are hanging with him throughout the day and he can hardly keep his eyes open. He's been extremely irritable in the mornings and it's been a big struggle just to get him dressed to go to school.

I'm starting to feel like I'm failing him. I'm running ragged trying to figure out what's going on in his little mind and body but I continue to watch him struggle and, in my negative mind, possibly deteriorating. This whole ordeal is consuming my mind. I have forgotten many important things lately. Possibly from lack of sleep or possibly from only being concerned with this one matter...maybe it's a little of both. I've never known sleep deprivation more than I know it now. My heart tells me I love Jacob immensely but my mind tells me to be annoyed with him and just distance myself from him. It's an emotional struggle for me. I feel love, guilt, shame, joy, hope, hate. It's all wrapped up in one little package and it's hard to have one without the other. It's the one of many times that Jacob needs positive attention and that's the one thing that is so hard to give.

A concerned friend asked me the other day how Erick and I were doing through all of this. It was a nice question to ask because with any type of sleep deprivation, being selfless and loving is not at the forefront of your mind and your relationships start to suffer. I laughed and replied, "It's been great, we're too exhausted to argue." Although that may be true, it reminded me of how well Erick and I work together in the face of disaster. Maybe you think disaster is a strong word, but if you'd lived in my shoes the past three in a half months you would see that I was being gracious with my choice of words.

In the midst of what could have turned into a top story on the news entitled "Mom and dad lock their two boys in their closets then slept for 3 days straight," I can think of a few positive things that have come out of the chaos...

Like I said previously, I was reminded that Erick and I work well together. We've traded off sleep times and frustrating tasks. We've laughed when we've wanted to scream and we've started doing something together that Erick always wanted...we drink coffee together now.

We have spent more time around the breakfast table as a family lately. If you're going to get up that early, you might as well enjoy it. You can't enjoy an early morning better than with a southern breakfast of bacon, eggs, biscuits and grits.

I can fully understand other autism moms when they tell me about their kids sleeping issues. You can always minister to others better when you've been through it yourself.

This has been the busiest time ever for our family. Not only has Jacob not been sleeping good but I'm trying to be the super mom while getting my real estate license and then on top of that plan for Near His Heart (the dinner for families of special needs kids). I've never been more driven to plan for Near His Heart. I know it's always been needed but now, in the midst of lack of sleep, I realize what other special needs families face on a consistent basis. I realize even more, now, how much these families need a night of rest, encouragement and revitalization.

Ok, now I need to go finish my coffee, then take a nap!!