Sunday, July 15, 2012
Where am I?
Most of the time I feel so cut off from the world. People are talking and having conversations about what's going on around them in the world and I have nothing to add to the conversation. Sometimes all my mind thinks about is autism. What causes it, how to cure it, what would help Jacob improve, how can I get Jacob to eat new things and how can I help him overcome his fears. It makes me feel very isolated from normal conversations. Having a child with autism already ostracizes me enough, why does my own brain have to do it too! Every time I open my mouth I feel this voice in my head saying "quit talking about autism, everyone's tired of it." Even though I hear this voice it seems I can't stop! My mind is saturated in it. When I'm not thinking about autism it seems like I'm only thinking about household chores and what to cook for supper. I'm assuming that one day I'll feel like me again and that I will join society again and feel normal. I keep telling myself that autism is not my life but the more and more I live, the more I realize that it is. I've come to terms with it, now I just need to learn how to live without it consuming every thought and moment of each day. I hope one day I can join in in regular conversations like a normal human being.