Grocery Store Conquerors

It's always hard to have both boys at home all day. The mixture of the burdens of autism and typical two's are a disaster waiting to happen. Today was no different except that we had to have some groceries. I reluctantly got everyone dressed and ready to go. The boys seemed excited to be going to the store and I was wishing that I had their enthusiasm. So we loaded up and off we went. I know that this sounds silly to most parents but if you have a special needs child you will understand my next sentence. I texted a really good friend of mine and the text said this "please pray for me, I'm about to go into the grocery store with both boys." 

        We entered the store and were doing very well and with every step I anticipated what I thought was the inevitable. I just knew that Jacob would have a meltdown at some point so I was on guard. Boy was I wrong. Jacob was such a big helper. He walked with me, we talked about what we were looking for and he helped push the buggy. In fact, he was so good that I stopped and took a picture so I could remember this day.

 Just one year ago a trip like this to the grocery store would've been a nightmare. I avoided it with every fiber of my being. However, my boy has grown and he has progressed so much. There was one time in the store that I thought, "is this how it feels to have two typical kids?" (Please don't think that they were not disciplined at some point in the store because they were).
        It felt so good to walk through the store without a care in the world. I was free!! No one in there would've known that Jacob was socially hindered by autism and that made me feel good. For the first time ever, no one stared at us with horrible looks on their faces and they weren't whispering to each other about how I wasn't a good mom. It was nice, to say the least. Nice? I meant extraordinary!!

Change of Pace

I thought about the fact that all my posts are about one little boy that stole my heart 6 1/2 years ago. But today I want to talk about the 2 year old little boy that is such an inspiration. He is such a delight. Jacob was, and still, is a cautious child. Not the case with Caleb. He's so rambunctious and full of life that his new family nickname is "Rambo."  This is nothing but fitting for him. He's the child that if his friends say jump, you better watch out. That thought scares me a bit. He's always bringing something new to the table and his older brother is the apple of his eye. I posted previously about how God gave me Jacob to bring me closer to Him. I think God gave me Caleb to give me laughter and joy. Caleb is the perfect ending to the "love letter" called Jacob that God wrote to me. He's the blessing at the end of a long hard road. He's proven God's never ending love for me. Not because anything that he has done but just the simple fact that God blessed me with him. I've never had the opportunity to be loved by a child like this boy loves me. Sometimes it's taxing but I try to soak up every minute of his overbearing love for his mommy. It's amazing to me how my children can make my heart smile in two totally different ways. The song below could not describe better how I feel about my sweet, crazy two year old who's name means faith, devotion, whole hearted. In the Bible Caleb was a companion of Moses and Joshua, he was noted for his astute powers of observation and fearlessness in the face of overwhelming odds. Caleb doesn't realize it yet but he's helped me be fearless in the face of overwhelming odds. Thank you God for this amazing kid.

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm blows through
and I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the day's of doubt
and for when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you.

Grace

Over the past year God has been slowly opening my eyes to the fact that Jacob has been His way of showing mercy to me. I used to blame God when we first found out that Jacob had special needs. I was angry because I had done everything "right" according to what everyone had taught me. I was an obedient child, I was a good friend, I knew Bible verses and I had lead people to Christ and I saved myself for marriage. According to the "christian" standards, I was a pretty good person. So why did God do this to me?

I struggled a long time with this question. I begged God to show me what I had done wrong, where had I sinned so bad that he would give me this burden. I also begged God to heal Jacob so that I wouldn't have to endure such hardships. That indeed was not His answer.

Over the coarse of the past few years God has shown me that this was his way of showing his love and mercy. Were it not for Jacob, I would never lean on God as much. I would never seek his face as often as I do. Because before Jacob, I had it all under control and there wasn't a daily need for God. Now, I fall on my face so often. I like to think of Jacob as a love letter from God. This is how God has shown me how close he wants me to him. He longs for me to lean on him and trust in him. This is something I never would've learned if things had gone MY way. If things had gone my way I probably would have a mediocre marriage and 2 kids who would attend church like they were supposed to and follow right along in my footsteps thinking that they were good because they learned some scripture and obeyed their parents. 

I used to hide my struggles as if they were sin. When all this time sharing my struggles is how I become free. My struggles are what show me my intense need for God. My struggles are what strengthens me as a wife, mom and friend. The great thing about special needs is that it's God's way of continually keeping my life close to Him. I cannot do this without Him and I thank Him for that.