This Moment Will Pass

I copied this from another blog called "Daydreams from the Spectrum." I thought it was very well written  and I related to it oh so well. Hope this encourages you!!

This moment will pass.

Truly believing those words will get you through a lot in life. I first learned the importance of this with my marriage. The best advice I have to offer newly married couples, other than to pick your battles- is that you will not be in love every day. But you will come back around, so don’t pack your bags quite yet. We are moody creatures, and perspective can change easily.

This advice took on a whole new meaning while I was learning to accept my daughter’s Autism. The idea that this struggle may never pass was too much to bear. And it IS a struggle. So everything comes down to that ever changing perspective. Knowing it will change, even when it feels impossible, has gotten me through the darkest moments.

Some days are harder than others. We were married, without children, for eleven years. We tried for over three of those years to have a baby, and we probably won’t be able to have any more. This is not what we imagined family life to be. It could be worse, and there are no guarantees in life- but we are talking about perspective, and these facts are important.

There are days when I make the mistake of thinking about what Teghan would be like if she had typical social skills. I think about what we would be doing together if she were like other four year old girls. I wonder what we would talk about if she could talk. I imagine a world where she understood pretend play, or could follow storylines of a book or a movie. 

Sometimes I think about the things I will never watch her experience. How she will never drive a car, have a career, get married, or have children. I worry that no one will care about her when we are gone.

Sometimes I make the mistake of letting other people affect me. The stranger who judges me when my daughter attempts to take a drink from their cup.  The in-laws who believe spanking is the cure for Autism. The coworker who tells me I am lucky that my child can’t speak, because kids who talk too much are so annoying. (Coworkers who talk too much are annoying.)

Sometimes Teghan seems so far away from the rest of us. I might feel as if I know her when she throws herself to the ground in a rage, because I am the first to suspect that there must be a missing piece to some group of three she has created. But I don’t understand it at all. I learned from trial and error . I have no actual understanding of why she chose to group together three random pieces of paper, or why the brief misplacement of one results in the neighbors thinking our child has been stabbed.

And I think about how I got to this place. Why I even wanted children. If I am living the kind of life that a past, happier me, would have found desirable in any way.

But, this moment will pass.

And thank God, it does pass. The next morning she will climb up onto my lap and want to snuggle with me for as long as I will have her. Tomorrow she will say something she has never said before, or do something I didn’t know she could do. And I will think she is the most amazing child in the whole world. I will think about how sweet she is. I will be hopeful for all of her potential. I will feel lucky, because I almost missed this whole experience by not having children. I will be happy.

She is worth every struggle. I may not feel it every minute of every day, but I will always know that the moment is coming when I will feel that way again.

Trauma

No one quite understands what daily life with a special needs child is like. All of life's normal struggles are 10 times harder when you're child has special needs. Jacob hurt his toe this morning and it needs to be cleaned and doctored. The sad part is that I can't physically doctor his foot without some form of help. Stumping toes is a typical childhood experience for normal kids but it's a trauma when it comes to autism. So, Super Parents to the rescue! I'm so thankful to my parents who will come and help even when it seems like something silly. I am not physically strong enough to hold Jacob down, clean his toe and put medicine and a band aid on it. I'm seriously worried at the fact that he's getting stronger than me. Things that were once hard are becoming impossible. Take medicine for instance, I literally have to get Jacob in a headlock to get the medicine in his mouth and then I have to convince him to swallow. I'm considering talking to a chiropractor about coming in every few months to make sure that my body is aligned and healthy. I pray all the time that God would just make me ripped with a nice 6 pack. It really would benefit my parenting skills...it's not for selfish reasons at all, haha. I really do pray that God will give me the patience and mental strength to deal with everyday life. I tend to get very annoyed very fast with all of Jacob's resistance to things like this. However, I'm reminded that I can't do it alone and that keeps me humble.

Progress

As I was at the beach with no kids I couldn't help but watch other families. Families who weren't plagued by the awfulness of special needs. I couldn't help but wonder what our lives would be like if Jacob didn't have autism. I tell myself all the time to not let my thoughts go there because it only brings sadness and sorrow, but sometimes you just can't get your thoughts away from there. I wondered what it would be like to take Jacob on a vacation and not have to search hard for things that wouldn't frighten him or cause him anxiety. I envied families as they rode rides, ate ice cream and walked down the boardwalk unhindered by their normalcy. After getting home, I dove right back into the life of special needs that God has given me by attending a meeting about organizing a banquet for families that have special needs children. At the meeting I was reminded why God has placed me in this, mentioned before, "plagued" life. It's to encourage and uplift others who are on the same road I'm on. The only thing I have to offer is grace, love and hope from the God that has offered it to me. I hope that by my suffering I can offer peace to someone else in need of a Mighty God. The day following the meeting I hit the road again taking Jacob to the doctor to help solve some mysteries that have been going on with him. Going to the doctor with him is always an adventure. I had no clue we'd end up drawing blood, going to the eye doctor and to the outpatient services at the hospital. Things like these are typically triggers for Jacob and send him into a whirlwind of emotions. On days like this typically know that my back is going to be hurting and I'll be exhausted. But, oddly enough, he was a big trooper and we went through the day with only minor setbacks. I have to say, he sure is growing up and I am reminded that everyday he is making progress and is taking a step a little more closer to normalcy. I just have to remind myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

One More Day

I love being on vacation! However, the more kids I see the more I miss my little men. In fact, yesterday as we sat and listened to a timeshare presentation the guy started talking about kids playing on the beach. I literally pictured my kids on the beach and teared up...I realized then I had completely lost mind!! I guess when you have kids you just lose your mind, cause I lose my mind when I'm with them and apparently I'm losing my mind being away from them. We've had a very fun and rejuvenating time and have gotten to talk about many things on this trip. Sometimes I get caught up in my day to day activities and through the summer my activity is mostly playing referee between my two children. Or it's probably more like playing body guard for my youngest one. I seem to lose a sense of myself when all I do is referee kids. It's been nice to get away and have my own thoughts and feelings back. I'm going to enjoy this last day of vacation and then my mind is directly going back to missing my kids.

Chick Fil A

I'm so discouraged today, in fact I've cried about this today. We've messed up big time and have created an even bigger chasm between the people that God created. If God does frown on his people, I think today would be a day that he is frowning. Christians all around our nation are gathering at Chick Fil A to stand up for what they think is right. I seem to view it so differently. In my mind I feel like we've shown up at these restaurants with torches, ready to burn homosexuals at the stake. It looks like hate to me. Let me first begin with saying that I completely agree with the standards that Chick Fil A upholds and the words  that Dan Cathy spoke were great and I appreciate a business that upholds morals and values.However, I disagree with the fact that we've jumped on this hate wagon and all it's doing is creating a bigger divide between us. The Bible says in John 13:35 "So now I am giving you a new commandment: LOVE each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." In my opinion, going to Chick Fil A is sending the wrong message. I might as well wear a shirt that says "I hate gay people" in big huge letters. Christ came to die for our sins. He came so that we would have love, grace and mercy. For some reason we've gotten into the mentality that we (christians) are better than everyone else. We may say that we don't think that but our actions are speaking differently. Isaiah 64:6 says "But we are all like an unclean thing, and even our righteous acts are like filthy rags." So, should we remain silent? No, the Bible tells us plainly in the verses below. I feel like we've missed the mark on this one. How can we not see it?  

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:14-21)