Insanity

      We are t minus 6 days away from boarding the airplane in Atlanta. I've been trying to stave off my nerves with an abundance of organizing and reorganizing my toiletries. I stood in the travel size toiletries isle in Target for 30 minutes picking out everything I needed for my trip. About every 10 minutes I would laugh at myself because I really wasn't that concerned over my toiletries, I was just trying to override my nerves with undue preparedness.
       On the drive back home all I thought about was the flight. What could go wrong, what I thought would go right and then realized there will probably be things that I won't see coming and won't know how to handle. I just pray that I handle it all with dignity, patience and most of all, grace.
       I put Caleb in his bed for nap time and then like a little girl on Christmas morning I ran into my room, ripped open the bags and went to town filling all my little bottles with shampoo, conditioner, face cream and so on. I continued to laugh at myself for using organization to offset my nerves. I even envisioned myself at the airport, being nervous and searching desperately through my carry on to find something to organize. Not in an orderly fashion either. I could see myself, hunching over my backpack, my eyes erratically darting around, and then punching people if they even came close to stopping me.
     
       In all honesty though, the better I am organized and prepared, the easier it will be to handle the things that I'm not in control of. My desire is to have a solution to all the problems I can foresee. I know this is not possible, but planning for every possible scenario and having a solution helps prepare me for what is to come. Jacob may end up doing fantastic and I won't need my back ups; but when he does have a meltdown I can say to myself, "At least my shampoo is in that plastic bottle all safe and sound." My mind will surely be at ease!

After all my planning for Jacob, I had this dreadful thought: "What if it's Caleb that does horrible?"

Back to the toiletries isle for me!!!

Blush

     I just made the terrible mistake of watching Miley Cyrus' new music video "Wrecking Ball." Really I made the mistake of watching only half of Miley Cyrus' new video, I had to turn it off. No, this is not a pick on Miley post but It breaks my heart that we've come this far. I don't hate Miley and I don't feel hatred when I see her do the things she does. It just makes me sad. In fact what she does is no different than the mentor's that went before her. It's no different in the fact that she's pushing the limits just like they did. She's doing things to make people gasp and that's exactly what was taught to her.
 
 My heart breaks, not because we do wrong. We're human, we will do wrong. It breaks my heart that we don't care anymore. Whatever sells, right? I've heard people say that "as long as they're not hurting anybody what does it matter?" But the truth is they ARE hurting people. Maybe not physically, but spiritually and mentally. It makes men desire other women besides their mates, it makes little girls think that they have to do these things to be popular, it makes boys think that it's OK not respect women. It makes teenage girls think that it's OK for guys to look at them like a piece of meat. It makes wives feel fat, ugly and undesirable.  It makes parents fear for their children's innocence. It's an ugly spiral downwards. How can you say that this isn't hurting anyone? Anything we make perverse that God gave to us for good, hurts us. That's why the Bible is so great. God loves us so much that he gives us the secret to a great life. A life without STD's, broken hearts, broken homes & teen pregnancy. But, we've decided to take a wonderful gift that He gave us and turn it into something perverse. Something that infiltrates our hearts and makes evil thoughts grow in our minds. Whether it be lust or feelings of inadequacy. He knew that these things would hurt us and He loves us so much that he told us the best way to do things so we, His children, would not be broken. Not so we would be bound by rules or have a reason to judge and hate others, but so that we, His beloved children, would have life and have it abundantly.

The thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy; 

I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.

John 10:10

 
 I hate it for our children and our children's children. As our country, our world and our homes walk further and further away from the life that God lovingly desired for us. Please don't mistake me for having everything right. The beauty of grace is that none of us deserve it.

  "You will seek me and find me

 when you seek me with all your heart." 

Jeremiah 29:13

We don't even seek anymore.


The following is a song that Erick wrote a few months before we met. I loved this song then and I love it today!  

Blush by Erick Kent
So how's your conscience today and how are you
Are you feeling dirty for the things you've done 
or have you made a new excuse
Reasons that make it all OK
Tomorrow I'll have to make some more 
for the things I've done today

Never forget what I was told of right and wrong
So I'll let it slide, then I'll try to hide it
cause I'm not playing along.
Ignore the morals and hear everything else
So if it makes me smile then I'll stay a while 
and keep lying to myself

Unblushable
Cause no one's there to point the blame
Unblushable
Cause no one's around to feel the shame
I know that my face should be red
for the way I've been and the things I said 
But everybody acts like it's OK
So I blush a little less everyday

I hope my mother never hears the words I say
I hope one day that I'll be embarrassed to live this way
Hope I will realize what's really going on
Hope God still wants me when I'm gone

Unblushable
Cause no one's there to point the blame
Unblushable
Cause no one's there to feel the shame
I know that my face should be red
for the way I've been and the things I said 
But everybody says that it's OK
So I blush a little less everyday

Unblushable
Cause no one's there to point the blame
Unblushable
Cause no one's there to feel the shame
I know that my face should be red
for the way I've been and the things I said 
But everybody said that it's OK
So I blush a little less everyday

Randomness

     There are some days (more than wanted) that all I see in Jacob is Autism. Everything we do with him and for him is to help him with his struggles in some form or fashion. Our lives are invaded by medicine, supplements, diet, new fads in treating autism, routines, therapies, making sure he's treated right and so on and so on. There are days that all I want to focus on is him being my little boy. A boy who is different, but not at all lacking. I'd love to put all those other things away for a day and just enjoy him. Please don't misunderstand and think that I don't enjoy my son. But, sometimes all of the things that I have to remember for him to help him through the day, drag me down and make me forget that he's still just a playful, lovable little boy. I'm so busy focusing on all the essential things that he needs that I don't take the time to let my mind be at ease and just enjoy HIM.  There are some days that I subconsciously replace his need for love and attention with the many, many things that I do for him everyday. It's like, "Well, I've already done so much for you today, I can't possibly meet any other needs today."

     I think my thought process is backwards and I'm working on making love and attention for him top priority. I really do believe that if I start with love and attention that the daily tasks will be easier. Instead of being mean and forcing him to take medicine, I can tickle him and laugh about taking medicine and he takes it so much easier.

    Another reason I think that these things have been put on the back burner per se, is the fact that he didn't used to like attention and affection. Every time we tried to snuggle or hug on him he would push us away. It seems insane to think that we wouldn't be overjoyed and run to him with excitement now that he wants those things. I guess we just got into a routine of knowing he wanted to be left alone, that now it seems those things don't matter as much. I've noticed lately though that he realizes that Caleb get's a lot of attention. Not because we love him more but he desires it, requires it and begs for it. Jacob never did...until now!

   Jacob has come such a long way in the last year. He now longs for me to lay down with him at night. He wants hugs and kisses. He loves it when I rub his back and he asks for me to do so. He says "Rub me in the tunnel," and I know this means he wants me to rub his back under his shirt. I laugh when I think about the way he says things. He surely adds his own flair to the English language.

It's hard to change the way you do things. I guess the older I get the harder it is for me to re-do our routines. I hope that Jacob changing like this keeps me young, but I'm afraid it just makes me feel old.  

So now, I leave you with something that has nothing to do with my post. But I wanted to share with you Jacob's new favorite song. He calls it the "whoa whoa" song, and for a good reason!!