The days seem to be getting longer and longer. Even the 2 weeks until school starts seems to be an eternity. I know that Jacob has been in pain from his ear infection and that's why he's been aggressive, loud and whiny. Knowing all of that still doesn't help the frustrations that I feel about his behavior. It also doesn't help the shrieking cries that come from Caleb getting beat up on. The constant abstract and very loud noises that have been coming from Jacob's tiny body are wearing on my nerves. The constant hitting on, not only Caleb, but me as well have made me angry and downright exhausted. I feel like the last positive bone in me is being invaded by overwhelming feelings of inadequacy.
Lately it seems like I'm doing everything backwards with all my relationships. I keep speaking when I need to be quiet, I'm quiet when I need to speak. I'm disciplining when I need to be gentle and gentle when I need to discipline. I'm mad at jokes and laugh at serious issues. The big one is the fact that I'm angry when I need to teach. Maybe it's because there is so much chaos around me I don't even have time to think rationally about anything. I believe a lot of Jacob's frustrations stem from me feeling inadequate and wanting to quit. Life would be easier if I just quit trying to move forward. Can I just stay right in this moment? I don't wanna stay in this moment because it's so great, I just want to stay in this moment because sometimes it hurts to move forwards. It hurts to make progress because when you make progress, you start to evaluate where you are and you realize how far you still have to go. Sometimes I don't think I have the energy to move forward. Sometimes when you are so excited about the fact that you are moving forwards, something or someone will stop you in your tracks and make you aware that you still have such a long road ahead.
After a 2 weeks of Jacob regressing a little because of the ear infection, it's hard to keep your chin up. It especially doesn't help when you are in the waiting room and someone moves away from you and says "Let's move, he's making my ears hurt." or a little girl tells him that "you don't understand because your brain doesn't work right." While both of these statements were probably true, it doesn't negate the fact that it hurts and just reminds me of how much different we are from everyone else. The couple in the waiting room were probably really nice and didn't mean any harm from their words but in my weak mental state I could guarantee they were just trying to prove a point and that they were thinking evil thoughts. I probably should get on some type of medicine that would magically make me think people were staring because Jacob is so cute and not that they were thinking horrible thoughts of me as a mother. I really have no idea what the people in the waiting room were thinking of Jacob hitting his head against me and acting like he was raised at the zoo. However, if they could have seen him before we got out of the car they would have gotten a totally different picture of us. He was giving me kisses over and over again and telling me how much he loved me. As for the comment that the little girl made, she wasn't trying to be ugly at all and I explained to her that we say that Jacob's mind works differently not that it doesn't work right. It still reminded me that he's different.
I took the boys to Birmingham to visit the McWane Center with Erick's older sister yesterday. We had a blast and even though we had a lot of issues with Jacob it was one of the best trips I've been on with him. Yes, he still runs and does his own thing and I end up looking for him at least half the time we're there. He got on an elevator all by himself, it closed and we had no idea which floor he would end up on. It was interesting to say the least. Yes, he played and looked at everything differently than the other kids and the things that interested him weren't always the actual exhibits but things like the garage door that was closing the hallways to exhibits that weren't currently open. No, he didn't always understand that he had to take turns and that there were other kids that wanted to look at things that he was looking at. All in all the trip was a success and I really appreciate my sweet sister in law putting up with all our bumps and bruises of the day.
Life with autism is painful, hurtful, emotionally draining, physically draining and just plain hard sometimes. Most day's I'm tough, resilient and can take the blows. Then, there are the days that you just wanna lay down and die from the pain of moving forward.