And then there's that laundry over there that snaps me out of that irrational craziness and reminds me of the bodies that fill those clothes. The nine and five year old that depend on me for everything and a husband who, I am convinced, couldn't survive without me. I mean, I am the finder of the keys and the glasses. If you can't drive or see then what kind of life is that? Erick, from the bottom of my heart, you are welcome.
It's easy to feel overwhelmed and overworked. Being an adult isn't as fun as you imagined as a kid. I often wake up and think to myself "do I really have to adult today?" The answer is always yes, yes I do. Yes, I have to wake up and feed my kids. Yes, I do have to make tough choices for them. Yes, I have to teach them how to be kind. Yes I have to give my kid his meds or his teacher will be calling and asking if things are okay at home. Yes, I have to hold my tongue or else I will smart off and say to his teacher "My kid has autism, what do you think? That is in fact not a good idea, and no I'm not speaking from experience. Let's just stop here and learn a little something...If you see a kid with autism acting wild and unruly (Or any kid for that matter), don't ask the mom if there are problems at home. First off, yes there are problems, my kid has autism and the stress level is pretty much always maxed out. Second, sometimes I forget to give him his medicine which doesn't mean that my husband and I are fighting or that we are beating the kids. Third...it's none of your business!
I have to continue to believe that there is a purpose to all the crazy sadness life can bring. If I don't, then that first paragraph could become more than just a crazy ideal. Furthermore, if that first paragraph were real, I would miss out on a lot of great things. However, sometimes it's hard to think that the world is not conspiring against you. For instance, my husband worked until 9:30 last night. I normally go to bed at 10:00 because the yellow heaven on wheels comes early (it's a yellow hell on wheels at 3:00, but we won't talk about that). Last night Erick and I got into a great conversation about our day and I stayed up way too late, but hey, you have to make time to fit in the important people in your life, right? At 4:45 a.m. I hear, not one set of footsteps, but two. Both boys were wide awake and headed downstairs to play. In my, all too often, mean mama fashion I scolded them both and sent them back to bed, knowing good and well that Jacob was up for the morning. Let's face it, getting Jacob to go back to sleep in the middle of the night is harder than going back and un-sinking the Titanic. However, I sent him back to bed. Ten minutes later he comes in fake puking, which was quite hysterical coming from a kid with social and cognitive delays. He's pretty smart though. I gave in and went downstairs with him. He played on www.pbskids.org (which is pretty awesome for kids) while I guzzled a cup of coffee, or creamer really. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm on a caffeine high or a sugar high, but that's beside the point. I later find out that the reason they were both up was because Caleb had a nightmare about an alien abducting his Grandobby so that he could play with him and so he decided to wake up the only one that won't go back to sleep. Yay!
Truth is, I will continue being a wife and a mom to two crazy kids. I will continue to cook, clean, chauffeur, referee and be a therapist. I will continue to wipe tears and be a boo boo fixer and give out the daily doses of medicine. I will continue to wake up when there is a bad dream or fake puking and I will continue on with the task of raising autism. I will continue to search for keys and glasses. I will not be turning in my two weeks notice, as tempting as it may seem at times. My family is wild and crazy, but they are my wild and crazy. To be honest, I need them as much as they need me.
Life throws you curves. It doesn't matter if you're raising a kid with autism, a loved one is struggling with cancer or you feel like you need to be in the nut house. (Or like me, all the above) Life is hard Enjoy the good moments and persevere through the bad times. Be kind and compassionate to those in your life, after all they are the reasons that you do what you do.
"Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things,"
1 Corinthians 13:7
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this Corrie! You write so beautifully and express emotions that many of us feel. No, you can't quit. More than just your immediate family need you. Thank you for holding on and doing one more load of laundry. Julie
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