Me and Jacob

Me and Jacob

Friday, October 17, 2014

Naked Thoughts

        I've been mulling this blog over in my mind for the last 24 hours.  This is one where I'm opening up and being vulnerable and sharing things that most people just think and don't actually say.

There are many times in life when my mouth opens and I insert my foot. Last night was one of those times.

A few things before I start...

1. Please do not read this blog if you can't finish it. Parts of this will seem very harsh and I don't want you to read half way through and not read the rest.

2. Judge me when you've read the whole thing, not half way through!

3. I love my son as much as the next mom, but human love is imperfect and I continually pray for Christ to love Jacob through me. 

So, now that that's out of the way... eh hem...Last night!

       Last night I was talking to a very sweet person about foster care and I asked the question, "Is it hard to care for this 3 month old baby when he's not your own?" She simply replied, "Not at all! It's like you and Jacob. You learn how to deal with things and you stay strong no matter what." To which I replied "Yeah but I can't give Jacob back."

Okay, so now I'm sure you are sitting there thinking "Oh my gosh, Corrie, you are such a jerk."
It wasn't until after I left that I realized how that sounded to everyone in the room. You are right, I am a jerk!! However, it's not in the way that you think. My comment was not directed toward what she said but it was an out pour of my own guilt.

When she was talking about how it parallel's to me raising Jacob, I found myself jealous of the fact that she could give the little boy back if things got hard (not that she would or wants to!!) Then I felt incredibly guilty for even letting that thought pass through my mind. Then, it came out of my mouth and I couldn't stop it. But, if I can be totally honest, I have thought that before. I think about what life would be like without Jacob. If I could give Jacob back, would I? I know that I wouldn't, but there are times that life gets so hard and so tiring that my mind will do anything to ease the pain. So yes, there are times that I wish I could give Jacob back. It's definitely not a rational thought though. It's an evil (yet very human) coping mechanism. Let's face it, Things would definitely be easier if Jacob didn't have autism. So, these thoughts creep in like little demons and set up camp in my mind.

I am not proud of where my thoughts go. I am certainly not proud to share these things with you, which is one reason I was debating whether or not I should even post this. However, all day I have been reminded of reasons why sharing could be beneficial...

Therefore, confess your sins to each other
and pray for each other
so that you may be healed.
James 5:16 

He must become greater
I must become less.
John 3:30

       A few people in the recent past have told me that I'm a strong woman and that I'm an awesome mom. I say this not to give myself a pat on the back but to say that it makes me feel like I fraud. While they are talking, in my mind I'm thinking "if only you knew what goes through my mind." I never want my christian walk to seem easy, seamless or put together. Our job as Christians is not to act like we have it all together and judge others that don't. It's to be open, honest and glorify God in our weaknesses. If sharing my depravity (which is human nature, I might add again) brings any glory to God, then it was worth it. I know that my thoughts are hurtful, hateful and whatever other words you want to insert here. But it's much more than just evil thoughts. It displays a lack of faith in the God that I so dearly love and worship. It shows a deeper lack of faith than what is seen. It's a subconscious lack of faith, if you will.

But He said "my grace is sufficient for you
and my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly 
about my weaknesses, so that Christ's 
power will rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

        So here I am being completely honest and open. I am in complete awe of God's continual love and faithfulness through my weakness and in spite of my weakness. I pray His love flows through me like it's never done before, because without His love, I am nothing. It's time that I start filling my mind with these verses...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will 
make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5 & 6

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet 
trials of many kinds, for you know that 
the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
Let perseverance finish it's work so that you
may be mature and complete, 
not lacking anything.
James 1:4

Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden,
I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,
for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

So do not lose heart. Though our outer
self is wasting away, our inner self is 
being renewed day by day.
For this light and momentary affliction 
is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory.
2 Corinthians 4:16

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