The Picture

So I've been debating for a while whether or not to write about this. I thought maybe it was lame and dumb, and it probably is, but every time I look at the picture on my blog I start thinking about this post even more.

The picture at the top of my page speaks volumes to me, not because it's a popular pose, it's creative or because it's cute or anything that people might see when they look at it. I love the way each of us looks in it, individually and together. To me, it tells the story of our lives in a very quiet and subtle way. This picture was not purposefully posed in any way, but after it was taken and I saw it, I fell in love with it!

I love how Erick is slightly ahead of all of us, it shows his leadership in our family. When Jacob was young and we noticed something wrong, it was always Erick pushing to find out what was going on with Jacob. He never gave up, he always stayed strong and he always stood up for Jacob. He was a leader in every sense of the word and he always had our best interest at heart. Jacob wouldn't be where he is today if it weren't for Erick's perseverance.

As you can see I'm just a little behind Erick. It reminds me of how, even though he is the leader of our family, we still lean on each other and make decisions together. I may not always be the best wife or the best help-meet, but one thing I do know, during the hardest times we are always on each other's side. Many days that I felt like I couldn't go on, Erick was there to encourage and lift me up. I could never put a price on that.

Jacob, oh my, I believe Jacob is my favorite subject in this picture. I absolutely love how he's holding Erick's hand, but most of all, how he's looking at Erick. Even more, I love the look that he has on his face. See, Jacob doesn't like to hold anyone's hand so the fact that he's holding Erick's hand and not fussing about it is awesome to me. I love how he's looking at Erick. Those little eyes have to learn so much that does not come natural to him. It's his eyes that learn the most from those around him. I'm glad that he watches Erick, he has a great role model. Jacob and Erick have a special bond and to see him looking at Erick in wonderment, warms my soul.

Caleb, poor little Caleb, it looks like he's being dragged by me; and maybe even a little left behind. I think for a long time Erick and I thought Caleb would get a little left out and it would be hard for us to give him attention, because at the time Jacob required most of our attention. However, regardless of how much attention Jacob needs, Caleb has such an outgoing, robust little personality that no one could over look him, EVER! I thought for a while that Caleb, unknown to him, got caught up in this little chaotic whirlwind called life with autism. The older he gets and the more time that passes I realize that he's God's perfect design for our family. He's not caught in the whirlwind...he IS the whirlwind.

This is a picture of my family and my family means the world to me.

So there, I finally wrote my post that has been whirling around in my head for months. It may be lame and dumb but it's something I think of every time I lay my eyes on this picture. It will definitely be a picture that is cherished!

Consequences

     Last night as I sat in my very informal Bible study with some friends, we talked about punishments for sin and how we look at tragedy's in life as punishments for our lack of faithfulness and trust.  It reminded me of past conversations that I had had with different people about the idea that Jacob was a punishment for something that I had done wrong in my life, for my lack of faith and trust in Him.  For a long time after Jacob was diagnosed I begged God to show me what I had wrong. Why had he "punished" me with this burden.

     You know, sometimes things happen in life because we live in a fallen world and sometimes we have consequences of sin and sometimes things happen because it's LIFE. I don't know why our human nature assumes the things that are "bad" are always consequences of sin, but for some reason we do.

     First off, let me say, that I believe ALL children are gifts from God.

Children are a heritage from the Lord,

Offspring a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are children born in one's youth.

Psalm 127:3-5

      I have yet to find in the Bible where God uses children as consequences for sin. All you see in the Bible is that Children are a blessing. So, to answer the question "Is Jacob a punishment for my sin?" I believe the answer is clearly "no." 

      So, let me move on to why I do believe God gave Jacob to me. The typical answers that make me want to vomit are "because he knew you could handle it" or "God picked you because he knew no one else could love him as much as you do." I know these things are nice things to say, but that's the thing, they are just nice things to say. However, it makes my journey feel pointless and it cheapens the perfect design that God has for us and His ultimate glory.

       I believe the real reason that God gave Jacob to be is because he knew I COULDN"T handle it! He knew I couldn't handle it without Him. The other reason that I believe God gave Jacob to me is not because I will love Jacob more than anyone else but it's the fact that God wanted to be glorified. 

     See, before Jacob, I subconsciously boasted about all that I had done right. My salvation was based on all my knowledge about the Bible and all the "rules" I had followed. Which in reality isn't' salvation at all, it's legalism. Now, through my hardships and difficult times, He has proven to me just how sovereign He really is. I can boast only in Christ.

 "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, 

blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

     It's so ironic to me that one of my favorite passages of scripture growing up is one that I identify with the most today. (well, except for the being circumcised part) 

If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh,

 I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, 

of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, 

a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, 

persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.

But whatever was to my profit, I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 

What is more, I consider everything a loss because 

of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, 

for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, 

that I may gain Christ and be found in him, 

not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, 

but that which is through faith in Christ - 

the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection 

and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 

and so, somehow, attaining to the Resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this or have already arrived at my goal, 

but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.

 But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and 

straining towards what is ahead. I press on toward the

goal to win the prize for which 

God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:4-14

Caleb...God's Little Blessing

    Three years ago today I was sitting in a hospital bed waiting to have another sweet little boy to hold in my arms. Caleb Bradley Kent was about to be born and I had no idea what life was going to be like with him. My "little" 8 lb 12 oz baby boy was born right after lunch and he was beautiful.
   
     He's the best little brother that Jacob could ask for. He's spunky, he's outgoing and he really encourages Jacob to learn new things. He won't leave Jacob alone which I think has helped Jacob come out of his shell. The best part about it, is that Caleb loves his brother with no regards to his autism. I know it's because he's little and doesn't realize Jacob has autism, but my desire is that Caleb will continue to love and stick up for his big brother.

    He's the best 3 year old a mother could ask for. He's sweet, smart and he tells me that I'm pretty :) He pushes my buttons oh so often but he can melt my heart in a New York minute. His smile is beyond anything in this world and to see the excitement in his eyes is priceless! He's such a perfect addition to our family in every way. His robust type of living brings out the best in all of us. I rue the day that some little girl break his heart, 'cause this momma might break her leg.

    He's a momma's boy at heart but he's daddy little buddy. He wants to dress like daddy, act like daddy and wants to do everything that his daddy does. If Erick has a white shirt on, he wants a white shirt on. If Erick's playing the guitar, he wants to play guitar. He's daddy's little buddy and will be a fantastic fishing buddy, music buddy or whatever hobby Erick has at the time buddy. (for those of you who don't know, Erick changes hobbies a lot!) He loves to rough house with Erick and he puts up a pretty good fight.

    Caleb is refreshing. In the midst of what I thought was a nightmare (Jacob being diagnosed with autism), Caleb was born and put laughter back into my heart.

"And this I pray,

that your love may abound 

more and more in knowledge

 and depth of insight,

so that you may be able to discern

what is best

and may be pure and blameless

for the day of Christ."

Philippians 1:9 & 10