Welcome To The Family!!

I just got off the phone with a mom from Baldwin County. She just entered the autism family. Welcome to the fam!! It's a crazy ride! I call it family because sometimes I can relate to the other autism moms better than my own blood relatives. She got my number from my uncle and called me because she found out last week that her 3 1/2 year old son has autism. We talked for a while about treatments, advice, therapies, vitamin regimens and diets. I started reminiscing about what life used to be like for us and I became overwhelmingly blessed with how far Jacob has come.

I remember having to reward Jacob with smarties in the car just for not crying because we went a different way than he thought we were going. I also remember having to reward him in Walmart for not freaking out at the bright lights. It was somewhat similar to training a dog. I would have smarties in my pocket and would reward him every time he behaved correctly and I'm pretty sure that "good boy" came out of my mouth a few times. I began laughing as I told her about the smarties rewards. I had almost totally forgotten about rewarding him in that way. His behavior has changed so much that it's almost like having a totally different kid.

There are memories that I don't laugh about so much. Like the constant poop smearing activities that went on in Jacob's room. Those memories are free to fade!! It's never fun getting woken up from a deep sleep but getting woken up from a deep sleep and walking into your child's room only to step in warm, wet....well you know!

It's amazing how many people I've met over the years that I never would've known had it not been for autism. Some of them have turned out to be pretty great friends! I remember calling strangers to get advice and information. One of those lady's is the one that asked me to be on the Near His Heart  team. Who would've have known that a phone call out of autism potty training desperation could have lead to such a fun ministry.

I'm so thankful to all of those that have been there through the years, whether it was a one time phone call or a few phone calls that turned into friendships. I love getting to pass on the encouragement to other moms new to the journey.

The Glorious Turmoil

    I used to question whether or not I was truly saved. I believed in Jesus and knew that he was real, but was it just because I grew up hearing it. having grown up in the church, it's sometimes confusing whether or not you believe it because you actually believe it or you believe it because you've just been told over and over that it was truth. Either way I'm so thankful that my parent's took me to church because it laid the foundation for Christ to work in my life.

   I've been a believer since I was five years old. I remember going into my parent's room one night and asking my dad to help me ask Jesus in my heart. I know now that I didn't know at all what that meant or what I was getting myself into but I know that I wanted to and that I had that desire at an early age. At the age of eleven I remember realizing that there was more to Christ than just saying a prayer and being baptized. It was then that I started taking my relationship with Christ more seriously. Even then, I was a kid and didn't really know what it meant to be a Christ follower, but I knew that there was something special about it.

   I like to think that I was a strong Christian through my high school years. I never did anything terribly bad, I obeyed my parents and didn't get into trouble. I bought into what our youth pastor was saying and followed it with all my heart. Even then I didn't know what true devotion was nor had I ever experienced anything that knocked me off my feet to where I had to totally depend on Him for guidance. I obviously knew more than when I was five and started to understand more of why He sent his son to die for us but I was still caught up in the superficial, religious and judgmental side of Christianity.

   It wasn't until I got married and had kids that He started to stretch my faith. It's ironic to me that the two things that I wanted more than life itself, are the two things where God has tested my faith and made me grow in the most un-pretty and un-graceful way. I've never cried on my face before God more than for my marriage and for my kids. All along I thought God was preparing me, throughout my teenage years, to be a good wife and mom. I realize now the only thing He was preparing me for was to be able to run to him when I was struggling and failing miserably.

   My proof of salvation now comes from the fact that when I run from the Truth and start trying to do things on my own, there's this uncontrollable, involuntary pull from the Holy Spirit that always brings me full circle back to His grace. It's like a bungee cord on my soul that, when I run so far from Him, it yanks me back to reality and into His loving arms. This process might sound joyful and fun but it's painful, dreadful and hard. It's in those times that God reveals to me where I've gone wrong and it's never fun to be told you're wrong.  I can, now, totally relate to the song "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman...

"Oh no, You never let go

through the calm and through the storms

Oh no, You never let go

in every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me."

   I remember a few years ago, when I was struggling with our new autism life, running from God. It was really unintentional but the longer it went on I started to wonder if I was ever going to run back to Him. It was painful to be faithful, because in a way I thought He wasn't faithful to me. I questioned Him and hated Him at times. I kept reminding myself of the cute little sentence we all say to each other, you know the one that is supposed to make you feel good in times of sadness..."God will never give you more than you can handle." Those words are supposed to be comforting, but in the midst of total devastation, they come as a nuisance. I wanted to die during that time and hearing those words didn't make it any easier. At the time it is more than you can bear, which is the perfect place to start totally relying on Him.

   Now looking back over the years, I wouldn't trade a second of my pain for anything. It's in those times that God drew close to me even though I didn't realize it at the time. It's in those times I've learned to worship Him through the pain because in the end what we gain in heaven far outweighs our troubles on earth. I never quite understood people when they would talk about longing to be in heaven. The thought of not being on the earth was always a scary thought for me. The older I get, physically and spiritually, I feel that same longing I once thought was odd. I can't wait to just be with Christ and not struggle with this earthly life. I can't wait to have a purified faith that doesn't struggle to be faithful. The most exciting thing for me is the thought that I will one day know Jacob in heaven in a perfected body with no more autism and he will be able to speak to me clearly and love me with no hesitations.

   I am beginning to understand the verse in James 1:2

"Consider it pure joy my brothers

when you face trials of many kinds,

because you know that the testing of your faith

produces perseverance. 

Let perseverance finish its work,

so that you may be mature and complete,

not lacking anything."

   I was listening to a John Piper sermon yesterday "Do Not Lose Heart." It's the one that the excerpt on Shane and Shane's "Though You Slay Me" video comes from. It's a fantastic sermon on the verses in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Therefore, we do not lose heart,

though outwardly we are wasting away

yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles

are achieving for us an eternal glory

that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen

but what is unseen

since what is seen is temporary 

but what is unseen is eternal."

  I think this is going to be my new life verse. It's a reminder that what we do on this earth and what we face on this earth is by far anything but meaningless. It's the time that He is preparing us to live with Him in eternity and I will worship Him through the pain and suffering to see that promise fulfilled. I look forward to the day I see Christ with my own eyes and can look back on my life and realize that every tear was not in vein.

 

 

 

 

Pursuit of Grace

"How do you show grace to your kids?"

This was a question asked by a facebook friend this morning. I can only assume that she was asking for advice, seeing as she and her husband adopted 3 children a couple of years ago. She never knew how many thoughts and emotions would flood my mind as I tried to answer that question for myself.

"How do I show grace to Jacob and Caleb?"

My first thought was "I always give them a second chance," "I explain to them that mommy could have spanked but she didn't" or "I just don't get on to them at all because they didn't really mean to do it." Are any of these really showing grace? Or am I just enabling them to disobey to the point that they end up getting a spanking anyway? The thing is, is that all of these methods are done out of a good heart but in the end it's not really showing them grace at all.

Can they truly understand the concept of grace if they've never been disciplined in the first place? Isn't the idea of grace, knowing that you've done something wrong but you've been forgiven because the other person was gracious? How do we know we've done something wrong? By being told (disciplined).

When kids are young they can't possibly understand the concept of grace because it's too abstract of a thought. They need the absolute of discipline before they can ever start to comprehend the concept of grace. So, when I try to show my 3 year old grace, it's more or less me just being a pushover and letting him get away with things that really should be addressed the first time. At some point the discipline should start evolving into a grace lesson and I believe that the age for this will be different with each child.

I struggle with this process. I aim to please way too much and I let my child's emotions get the best of me. I give in when I need to stand firm. I am doing my children no favors by extending them the amount grace and freedom that they get. I'm only setting them up to take for granted the grace that Christ offers to them.

So now, I pose the question again..."How do you show your kids grace?"

My answer now will be to discipline and stand firm in your discipline when they are young so that when they are older they will understand with full knowledge why grace is so awesome! If they don't understand the weight of their sin they will never fully appreciate the grace that is offered to them. Keep in mind too that kids follow by example so show them grace by extending it to your husband, your friends and your family. Or teaching them to give grace to their friends when they do them wrong.

"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,

but the rod of discipline drives it far from him."

Proverbs 22:15

Giving of Thanks

 I could sit here and say thanks for all the perfect things in my life and really puff up and brag about what's right in my life. But, that wouldn't be being honest. I don't want anyone to think that my life is perfect and I refuse to slap a smile on my face at all times and act like everything is hunky dory. There is a time and place for all things so by no means am I going to mope around either. Trying to make everyone think your life is perfect is exhausting and you'll end up pushing people away in the end. So this Thanksgiving season I'm thankful for things that might be a little unconventional...

My Husband

I'm thankful that he's not a perfect husband because that would mean that we couldn't grow together. I'm thankful that he doesn't provide everything we want (notice I said want and not need). If we had everything we wanted then we wouldn't know what it was like to desire something. If we always got what we wanted then we wouldn't know how to be sincerely appreciative. I'm thankful that he's not the perfect parent because now I know that we can fail together. I'm glad that he's not perfect in God's eyes because that would mean he never would've been shown God's perfect grace and mercy.

My Children

I'm thankful that my children push my limits because if I'm not pushed then I'm not growing as a parent. I'm thankful that my children struggle because when they finally succeed, the victory and joy is so much sweeter. I'm thankful that Jacob is excited about the smallest things. I'm thankful that Caleb is silly, even when he thinks I'm not looking. I'm thankful that Caleb is so clingy. Even though it drives me absolutely insane it's worth it when he wraps his arms around me and says "I love you mommy." I'm thankful that Caleb is strong-willed. Even though it's tough to parent him sometimes, I know that he can do amazing things with his life. I know I've said this many times but I'm thankful for autism, because without it I never would've learned God's sovereignty and his complete control of my life.

Now I leave you with a video that I am super thankful for. Jacob at school segmenting his spelling words. If he never struggled with life, then this video wouldn't be as important to me. But I'm thankful for his struggles because moments like this become monumental turning points in our lives. Your a champion in my book sweet boy!!!

The Picture

So I've been debating for a while whether or not to write about this. I thought maybe it was lame and dumb, and it probably is, but every time I look at the picture on my blog I start thinking about this post even more.

The picture at the top of my page speaks volumes to me, not because it's a popular pose, it's creative or because it's cute or anything that people might see when they look at it. I love the way each of us looks in it, individually and together. To me, it tells the story of our lives in a very quiet and subtle way. This picture was not purposefully posed in any way, but after it was taken and I saw it, I fell in love with it!

I love how Erick is slightly ahead of all of us, it shows his leadership in our family. When Jacob was young and we noticed something wrong, it was always Erick pushing to find out what was going on with Jacob. He never gave up, he always stayed strong and he always stood up for Jacob. He was a leader in every sense of the word and he always had our best interest at heart. Jacob wouldn't be where he is today if it weren't for Erick's perseverance.

As you can see I'm just a little behind Erick. It reminds me of how, even though he is the leader of our family, we still lean on each other and make decisions together. I may not always be the best wife or the best help-meet, but one thing I do know, during the hardest times we are always on each other's side. Many days that I felt like I couldn't go on, Erick was there to encourage and lift me up. I could never put a price on that.

Jacob, oh my, I believe Jacob is my favorite subject in this picture. I absolutely love how he's holding Erick's hand, but most of all, how he's looking at Erick. Even more, I love the look that he has on his face. See, Jacob doesn't like to hold anyone's hand so the fact that he's holding Erick's hand and not fussing about it is awesome to me. I love how he's looking at Erick. Those little eyes have to learn so much that does not come natural to him. It's his eyes that learn the most from those around him. I'm glad that he watches Erick, he has a great role model. Jacob and Erick have a special bond and to see him looking at Erick in wonderment, warms my soul.

Caleb, poor little Caleb, it looks like he's being dragged by me; and maybe even a little left behind. I think for a long time Erick and I thought Caleb would get a little left out and it would be hard for us to give him attention, because at the time Jacob required most of our attention. However, regardless of how much attention Jacob needs, Caleb has such an outgoing, robust little personality that no one could over look him, EVER! I thought for a while that Caleb, unknown to him, got caught up in this little chaotic whirlwind called life with autism. The older he gets and the more time that passes I realize that he's God's perfect design for our family. He's not caught in the whirlwind...he IS the whirlwind.

This is a picture of my family and my family means the world to me.

So there, I finally wrote my post that has been whirling around in my head for months. It may be lame and dumb but it's something I think of every time I lay my eyes on this picture. It will definitely be a picture that is cherished!

Consequences

     Last night as I sat in my very informal Bible study with some friends, we talked about punishments for sin and how we look at tragedy's in life as punishments for our lack of faithfulness and trust.  It reminded me of past conversations that I had had with different people about the idea that Jacob was a punishment for something that I had done wrong in my life, for my lack of faith and trust in Him.  For a long time after Jacob was diagnosed I begged God to show me what I had wrong. Why had he "punished" me with this burden.

     You know, sometimes things happen in life because we live in a fallen world and sometimes we have consequences of sin and sometimes things happen because it's LIFE. I don't know why our human nature assumes the things that are "bad" are always consequences of sin, but for some reason we do.

     First off, let me say, that I believe ALL children are gifts from God.

Children are a heritage from the Lord,

Offspring a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are children born in one's youth.

Psalm 127:3-5

      I have yet to find in the Bible where God uses children as consequences for sin. All you see in the Bible is that Children are a blessing. So, to answer the question "Is Jacob a punishment for my sin?" I believe the answer is clearly "no." 

      So, let me move on to why I do believe God gave Jacob to me. The typical answers that make me want to vomit are "because he knew you could handle it" or "God picked you because he knew no one else could love him as much as you do." I know these things are nice things to say, but that's the thing, they are just nice things to say. However, it makes my journey feel pointless and it cheapens the perfect design that God has for us and His ultimate glory.

       I believe the real reason that God gave Jacob to be is because he knew I COULDN"T handle it! He knew I couldn't handle it without Him. The other reason that I believe God gave Jacob to me is not because I will love Jacob more than anyone else but it's the fact that God wanted to be glorified. 

     See, before Jacob, I subconsciously boasted about all that I had done right. My salvation was based on all my knowledge about the Bible and all the "rules" I had followed. Which in reality isn't' salvation at all, it's legalism. Now, through my hardships and difficult times, He has proven to me just how sovereign He really is. I can boast only in Christ.

 "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, 

blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

     It's so ironic to me that one of my favorite passages of scripture growing up is one that I identify with the most today. (well, except for the being circumcised part) 

If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh,

 I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, 

of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, 

a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, 

persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.

But whatever was to my profit, I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 

What is more, I consider everything a loss because 

of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, 

for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, 

that I may gain Christ and be found in him, 

not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, 

but that which is through faith in Christ - 

the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection 

and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 

and so, somehow, attaining to the Resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this or have already arrived at my goal, 

but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.

 But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and 

straining towards what is ahead. I press on toward the

goal to win the prize for which 

God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:4-14

Caleb...God's Little Blessing

    Three years ago today I was sitting in a hospital bed waiting to have another sweet little boy to hold in my arms. Caleb Bradley Kent was about to be born and I had no idea what life was going to be like with him. My "little" 8 lb 12 oz baby boy was born right after lunch and he was beautiful.
   
     He's the best little brother that Jacob could ask for. He's spunky, he's outgoing and he really encourages Jacob to learn new things. He won't leave Jacob alone which I think has helped Jacob come out of his shell. The best part about it, is that Caleb loves his brother with no regards to his autism. I know it's because he's little and doesn't realize Jacob has autism, but my desire is that Caleb will continue to love and stick up for his big brother.

    He's the best 3 year old a mother could ask for. He's sweet, smart and he tells me that I'm pretty :) He pushes my buttons oh so often but he can melt my heart in a New York minute. His smile is beyond anything in this world and to see the excitement in his eyes is priceless! He's such a perfect addition to our family in every way. His robust type of living brings out the best in all of us. I rue the day that some little girl break his heart, 'cause this momma might break her leg.

    He's a momma's boy at heart but he's daddy little buddy. He wants to dress like daddy, act like daddy and wants to do everything that his daddy does. If Erick has a white shirt on, he wants a white shirt on. If Erick's playing the guitar, he wants to play guitar. He's daddy's little buddy and will be a fantastic fishing buddy, music buddy or whatever hobby Erick has at the time buddy. (for those of you who don't know, Erick changes hobbies a lot!) He loves to rough house with Erick and he puts up a pretty good fight.

    Caleb is refreshing. In the midst of what I thought was a nightmare (Jacob being diagnosed with autism), Caleb was born and put laughter back into my heart.

"And this I pray,

that your love may abound 

more and more in knowledge

 and depth of insight,

so that you may be able to discern

what is best

and may be pure and blameless

for the day of Christ."

Philippians 1:9 & 10