Giving of Thanks

 I could sit here and say thanks for all the perfect things in my life and really puff up and brag about what's right in my life. But, that wouldn't be being honest. I don't want anyone to think that my life is perfect and I refuse to slap a smile on my face at all times and act like everything is hunky dory. There is a time and place for all things so by no means am I going to mope around either. Trying to make everyone think your life is perfect is exhausting and you'll end up pushing people away in the end. So this Thanksgiving season I'm thankful for things that might be a little unconventional...

My Husband

I'm thankful that he's not a perfect husband because that would mean that we couldn't grow together. I'm thankful that he doesn't provide everything we want (notice I said want and not need). If we had everything we wanted then we wouldn't know what it was like to desire something. If we always got what we wanted then we wouldn't know how to be sincerely appreciative. I'm thankful that he's not the perfect parent because now I know that we can fail together. I'm glad that he's not perfect in God's eyes because that would mean he never would've been shown God's perfect grace and mercy.

My Children

I'm thankful that my children push my limits because if I'm not pushed then I'm not growing as a parent. I'm thankful that my children struggle because when they finally succeed, the victory and joy is so much sweeter. I'm thankful that Jacob is excited about the smallest things. I'm thankful that Caleb is silly, even when he thinks I'm not looking. I'm thankful that Caleb is so clingy. Even though it drives me absolutely insane it's worth it when he wraps his arms around me and says "I love you mommy." I'm thankful that Caleb is strong-willed. Even though it's tough to parent him sometimes, I know that he can do amazing things with his life. I know I've said this many times but I'm thankful for autism, because without it I never would've learned God's sovereignty and his complete control of my life.

Now I leave you with a video that I am super thankful for. Jacob at school segmenting his spelling words. If he never struggled with life, then this video wouldn't be as important to me. But I'm thankful for his struggles because moments like this become monumental turning points in our lives. Your a champion in my book sweet boy!!!

The Picture

So I've been debating for a while whether or not to write about this. I thought maybe it was lame and dumb, and it probably is, but every time I look at the picture on my blog I start thinking about this post even more.

The picture at the top of my page speaks volumes to me, not because it's a popular pose, it's creative or because it's cute or anything that people might see when they look at it. I love the way each of us looks in it, individually and together. To me, it tells the story of our lives in a very quiet and subtle way. This picture was not purposefully posed in any way, but after it was taken and I saw it, I fell in love with it!

I love how Erick is slightly ahead of all of us, it shows his leadership in our family. When Jacob was young and we noticed something wrong, it was always Erick pushing to find out what was going on with Jacob. He never gave up, he always stayed strong and he always stood up for Jacob. He was a leader in every sense of the word and he always had our best interest at heart. Jacob wouldn't be where he is today if it weren't for Erick's perseverance.

As you can see I'm just a little behind Erick. It reminds me of how, even though he is the leader of our family, we still lean on each other and make decisions together. I may not always be the best wife or the best help-meet, but one thing I do know, during the hardest times we are always on each other's side. Many days that I felt like I couldn't go on, Erick was there to encourage and lift me up. I could never put a price on that.

Jacob, oh my, I believe Jacob is my favorite subject in this picture. I absolutely love how he's holding Erick's hand, but most of all, how he's looking at Erick. Even more, I love the look that he has on his face. See, Jacob doesn't like to hold anyone's hand so the fact that he's holding Erick's hand and not fussing about it is awesome to me. I love how he's looking at Erick. Those little eyes have to learn so much that does not come natural to him. It's his eyes that learn the most from those around him. I'm glad that he watches Erick, he has a great role model. Jacob and Erick have a special bond and to see him looking at Erick in wonderment, warms my soul.

Caleb, poor little Caleb, it looks like he's being dragged by me; and maybe even a little left behind. I think for a long time Erick and I thought Caleb would get a little left out and it would be hard for us to give him attention, because at the time Jacob required most of our attention. However, regardless of how much attention Jacob needs, Caleb has such an outgoing, robust little personality that no one could over look him, EVER! I thought for a while that Caleb, unknown to him, got caught up in this little chaotic whirlwind called life with autism. The older he gets and the more time that passes I realize that he's God's perfect design for our family. He's not caught in the whirlwind...he IS the whirlwind.

This is a picture of my family and my family means the world to me.

So there, I finally wrote my post that has been whirling around in my head for months. It may be lame and dumb but it's something I think of every time I lay my eyes on this picture. It will definitely be a picture that is cherished!

Consequences

     Last night as I sat in my very informal Bible study with some friends, we talked about punishments for sin and how we look at tragedy's in life as punishments for our lack of faithfulness and trust.  It reminded me of past conversations that I had had with different people about the idea that Jacob was a punishment for something that I had done wrong in my life, for my lack of faith and trust in Him.  For a long time after Jacob was diagnosed I begged God to show me what I had wrong. Why had he "punished" me with this burden.

     You know, sometimes things happen in life because we live in a fallen world and sometimes we have consequences of sin and sometimes things happen because it's LIFE. I don't know why our human nature assumes the things that are "bad" are always consequences of sin, but for some reason we do.

     First off, let me say, that I believe ALL children are gifts from God.

Children are a heritage from the Lord,

Offspring a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are children born in one's youth.

Psalm 127:3-5

      I have yet to find in the Bible where God uses children as consequences for sin. All you see in the Bible is that Children are a blessing. So, to answer the question "Is Jacob a punishment for my sin?" I believe the answer is clearly "no." 

      So, let me move on to why I do believe God gave Jacob to me. The typical answers that make me want to vomit are "because he knew you could handle it" or "God picked you because he knew no one else could love him as much as you do." I know these things are nice things to say, but that's the thing, they are just nice things to say. However, it makes my journey feel pointless and it cheapens the perfect design that God has for us and His ultimate glory.

       I believe the real reason that God gave Jacob to be is because he knew I COULDN"T handle it! He knew I couldn't handle it without Him. The other reason that I believe God gave Jacob to me is not because I will love Jacob more than anyone else but it's the fact that God wanted to be glorified. 

     See, before Jacob, I subconsciously boasted about all that I had done right. My salvation was based on all my knowledge about the Bible and all the "rules" I had followed. Which in reality isn't' salvation at all, it's legalism. Now, through my hardships and difficult times, He has proven to me just how sovereign He really is. I can boast only in Christ.

 "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, 

blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

     It's so ironic to me that one of my favorite passages of scripture growing up is one that I identify with the most today. (well, except for the being circumcised part) 

If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh,

 I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, 

of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, 

a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, 

persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.

But whatever was to my profit, I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 

What is more, I consider everything a loss because 

of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, 

for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, 

that I may gain Christ and be found in him, 

not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, 

but that which is through faith in Christ - 

the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection 

and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 

and so, somehow, attaining to the Resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this or have already arrived at my goal, 

but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.

 But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and 

straining towards what is ahead. I press on toward the

goal to win the prize for which 

God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:4-14

Caleb...God's Little Blessing

    Three years ago today I was sitting in a hospital bed waiting to have another sweet little boy to hold in my arms. Caleb Bradley Kent was about to be born and I had no idea what life was going to be like with him. My "little" 8 lb 12 oz baby boy was born right after lunch and he was beautiful.
   
     He's the best little brother that Jacob could ask for. He's spunky, he's outgoing and he really encourages Jacob to learn new things. He won't leave Jacob alone which I think has helped Jacob come out of his shell. The best part about it, is that Caleb loves his brother with no regards to his autism. I know it's because he's little and doesn't realize Jacob has autism, but my desire is that Caleb will continue to love and stick up for his big brother.

    He's the best 3 year old a mother could ask for. He's sweet, smart and he tells me that I'm pretty :) He pushes my buttons oh so often but he can melt my heart in a New York minute. His smile is beyond anything in this world and to see the excitement in his eyes is priceless! He's such a perfect addition to our family in every way. His robust type of living brings out the best in all of us. I rue the day that some little girl break his heart, 'cause this momma might break her leg.

    He's a momma's boy at heart but he's daddy little buddy. He wants to dress like daddy, act like daddy and wants to do everything that his daddy does. If Erick has a white shirt on, he wants a white shirt on. If Erick's playing the guitar, he wants to play guitar. He's daddy's little buddy and will be a fantastic fishing buddy, music buddy or whatever hobby Erick has at the time buddy. (for those of you who don't know, Erick changes hobbies a lot!) He loves to rough house with Erick and he puts up a pretty good fight.

    Caleb is refreshing. In the midst of what I thought was a nightmare (Jacob being diagnosed with autism), Caleb was born and put laughter back into my heart.

"And this I pray,

that your love may abound 

more and more in knowledge

 and depth of insight,

so that you may be able to discern

what is best

and may be pure and blameless

for the day of Christ."

Philippians 1:9 & 10

Insanity

      We are t minus 6 days away from boarding the airplane in Atlanta. I've been trying to stave off my nerves with an abundance of organizing and reorganizing my toiletries. I stood in the travel size toiletries isle in Target for 30 minutes picking out everything I needed for my trip. About every 10 minutes I would laugh at myself because I really wasn't that concerned over my toiletries, I was just trying to override my nerves with undue preparedness.
       On the drive back home all I thought about was the flight. What could go wrong, what I thought would go right and then realized there will probably be things that I won't see coming and won't know how to handle. I just pray that I handle it all with dignity, patience and most of all, grace.
       I put Caleb in his bed for nap time and then like a little girl on Christmas morning I ran into my room, ripped open the bags and went to town filling all my little bottles with shampoo, conditioner, face cream and so on. I continued to laugh at myself for using organization to offset my nerves. I even envisioned myself at the airport, being nervous and searching desperately through my carry on to find something to organize. Not in an orderly fashion either. I could see myself, hunching over my backpack, my eyes erratically darting around, and then punching people if they even came close to stopping me.
     
       In all honesty though, the better I am organized and prepared, the easier it will be to handle the things that I'm not in control of. My desire is to have a solution to all the problems I can foresee. I know this is not possible, but planning for every possible scenario and having a solution helps prepare me for what is to come. Jacob may end up doing fantastic and I won't need my back ups; but when he does have a meltdown I can say to myself, "At least my shampoo is in that plastic bottle all safe and sound." My mind will surely be at ease!

After all my planning for Jacob, I had this dreadful thought: "What if it's Caleb that does horrible?"

Back to the toiletries isle for me!!!

Blush

     I just made the terrible mistake of watching Miley Cyrus' new music video "Wrecking Ball." Really I made the mistake of watching only half of Miley Cyrus' new video, I had to turn it off. No, this is not a pick on Miley post but It breaks my heart that we've come this far. I don't hate Miley and I don't feel hatred when I see her do the things she does. It just makes me sad. In fact what she does is no different than the mentor's that went before her. It's no different in the fact that she's pushing the limits just like they did. She's doing things to make people gasp and that's exactly what was taught to her.
 
 My heart breaks, not because we do wrong. We're human, we will do wrong. It breaks my heart that we don't care anymore. Whatever sells, right? I've heard people say that "as long as they're not hurting anybody what does it matter?" But the truth is they ARE hurting people. Maybe not physically, but spiritually and mentally. It makes men desire other women besides their mates, it makes little girls think that they have to do these things to be popular, it makes boys think that it's OK not respect women. It makes teenage girls think that it's OK for guys to look at them like a piece of meat. It makes wives feel fat, ugly and undesirable.  It makes parents fear for their children's innocence. It's an ugly spiral downwards. How can you say that this isn't hurting anyone? Anything we make perverse that God gave to us for good, hurts us. That's why the Bible is so great. God loves us so much that he gives us the secret to a great life. A life without STD's, broken hearts, broken homes & teen pregnancy. But, we've decided to take a wonderful gift that He gave us and turn it into something perverse. Something that infiltrates our hearts and makes evil thoughts grow in our minds. Whether it be lust or feelings of inadequacy. He knew that these things would hurt us and He loves us so much that he told us the best way to do things so we, His children, would not be broken. Not so we would be bound by rules or have a reason to judge and hate others, but so that we, His beloved children, would have life and have it abundantly.

The thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy; 

I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.

John 10:10

 
 I hate it for our children and our children's children. As our country, our world and our homes walk further and further away from the life that God lovingly desired for us. Please don't mistake me for having everything right. The beauty of grace is that none of us deserve it.

  "You will seek me and find me

 when you seek me with all your heart." 

Jeremiah 29:13

We don't even seek anymore.


The following is a song that Erick wrote a few months before we met. I loved this song then and I love it today!  

Blush by Erick Kent
So how's your conscience today and how are you
Are you feeling dirty for the things you've done 
or have you made a new excuse
Reasons that make it all OK
Tomorrow I'll have to make some more 
for the things I've done today

Never forget what I was told of right and wrong
So I'll let it slide, then I'll try to hide it
cause I'm not playing along.
Ignore the morals and hear everything else
So if it makes me smile then I'll stay a while 
and keep lying to myself

Unblushable
Cause no one's there to point the blame
Unblushable
Cause no one's around to feel the shame
I know that my face should be red
for the way I've been and the things I said 
But everybody acts like it's OK
So I blush a little less everyday

I hope my mother never hears the words I say
I hope one day that I'll be embarrassed to live this way
Hope I will realize what's really going on
Hope God still wants me when I'm gone

Unblushable
Cause no one's there to point the blame
Unblushable
Cause no one's there to feel the shame
I know that my face should be red
for the way I've been and the things I said 
But everybody says that it's OK
So I blush a little less everyday

Unblushable
Cause no one's there to point the blame
Unblushable
Cause no one's there to feel the shame
I know that my face should be red
for the way I've been and the things I said 
But everybody said that it's OK
So I blush a little less everyday

Randomness

     There are some days (more than wanted) that all I see in Jacob is Autism. Everything we do with him and for him is to help him with his struggles in some form or fashion. Our lives are invaded by medicine, supplements, diet, new fads in treating autism, routines, therapies, making sure he's treated right and so on and so on. There are days that all I want to focus on is him being my little boy. A boy who is different, but not at all lacking. I'd love to put all those other things away for a day and just enjoy him. Please don't misunderstand and think that I don't enjoy my son. But, sometimes all of the things that I have to remember for him to help him through the day, drag me down and make me forget that he's still just a playful, lovable little boy. I'm so busy focusing on all the essential things that he needs that I don't take the time to let my mind be at ease and just enjoy HIM.  There are some days that I subconsciously replace his need for love and attention with the many, many things that I do for him everyday. It's like, "Well, I've already done so much for you today, I can't possibly meet any other needs today."

     I think my thought process is backwards and I'm working on making love and attention for him top priority. I really do believe that if I start with love and attention that the daily tasks will be easier. Instead of being mean and forcing him to take medicine, I can tickle him and laugh about taking medicine and he takes it so much easier.

    Another reason I think that these things have been put on the back burner per se, is the fact that he didn't used to like attention and affection. Every time we tried to snuggle or hug on him he would push us away. It seems insane to think that we wouldn't be overjoyed and run to him with excitement now that he wants those things. I guess we just got into a routine of knowing he wanted to be left alone, that now it seems those things don't matter as much. I've noticed lately though that he realizes that Caleb get's a lot of attention. Not because we love him more but he desires it, requires it and begs for it. Jacob never did...until now!

   Jacob has come such a long way in the last year. He now longs for me to lay down with him at night. He wants hugs and kisses. He loves it when I rub his back and he asks for me to do so. He says "Rub me in the tunnel," and I know this means he wants me to rub his back under his shirt. I laugh when I think about the way he says things. He surely adds his own flair to the English language.

It's hard to change the way you do things. I guess the older I get the harder it is for me to re-do our routines. I hope that Jacob changing like this keeps me young, but I'm afraid it just makes me feel old.  

So now, I leave you with something that has nothing to do with my post. But I wanted to share with you Jacob's new favorite song. He calls it the "whoa whoa" song, and for a good reason!!